Box Full of Sharp Objects
by alexinwonderlandd
Summary: Scars. Jasper is covered in them, both physical and emotional. No matter how hard he tries, he can't get away from the nightmares and the memories. Can Jasper find more than comfort in his best friend, or will his past get in the way? Contains rape, depression, self-harm and male/male. Eventual E/J. All Human
1. Chapter 1

Sooo, I've been playing around with this story idea for a long time now, and I've finally decided to get it down in writing. So far I've written seven chapters, so uploads should be fairly frequent until I run out of pre-written stuff, then I'll have to get my ass into gear and keep up with myself.

So I hope you guys like this story, please favourite and review so I can know if someone out there is reading. :)

WARNING! Please read! This story contains rape scenes, depression and self-harm! Also, eventual boy on boy action, so if any of that is not your cup of tea, please find another tea party.

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Twilight, I'd be able to afford a new phone, but as my currant one is dying, it seems that is not the case. Draw your own conclusions.

Enjoy!

**Chapter one**

JPOV

"Jazz, come on! Move your ass, we're gonna be late!"

A swift slap to the back of my head broke my concentration. Pulling my mind away from the impending storm clouds brewing outside, I glared at Edward and proceeded to follow him down the hallway.

"Ouch, by the way, asshole."

"You'll get over it, and anyway, what was I supposed to do? You were thinking about being off with the fairies, prancing around in La-La Land again." Edward stopped at his locker to swap whatever books he was carrying to whatever books he needed, doing the same at my neighbouring locker, I glared at him again.

"I was not _prancing. _I was _thinking_. I realise it may be a foreign concept to you Eddie, but it does happen." We continued down the hallway toward our English class.

"I never said you _were_ prancing, I said that you were _thinking_ about prancing. So thank you very muchly for proving my point." The fucker narrowly avoided having his stupid smirk smacked off his stupid head by sidestepping me in to the classroom.

Taking my usual seat on the far corner of the room by the window, Edward sat at the desk next to mine and preceded to tell me what colour my tutu would be when I got to 'live out my fantasy of prancing with the fairies'. Only when Mr. Berty walked in the room did he shut up. Sometimes I had to wonder why I put up with him.

_Because he puts up with you, idiot. _Oh, right. 

"Alright everyone, stop talking and take out your books." Mr. Berty turned to the black board and wrote '_To Kill a Mockingbird_' in big letters. There was a collective sigh and groans from half the class that most likely hadn't read the book. I, however, had.

"Okay, who can tell me what the novel is about?"

A few hands went up and Mr. Berty ignored most of them, choosing instead to pick on the people that weren't paying attention. Namely Mike Newton.

"Ah, Mr. Newton, can you answer the question?" Mike visibly squirmed in his seat.

"Uhh... how to kill a mockingbird?"

_Dimwit._

"Ooh, so close! But no, I suggest you go and actually read the book Mr. Newton. How about you Mr. Whitlock, you seem completely enthralled in that window pane, could you shed some light as to what the books main idea is?"

Sighing, I answered, "One of the main idea in the book is racism, which is shown by the trial of Tom Robinson who is wrongly accused of raping Mayella Ewell. Even when all the evidence shows that it couldn't have been him, he is convicted anyway."

"Yeah what he said," Mike called out across the class.

"Very well put, Jasper. Nice to see someone actually read the book."

"That's what Mike was going to say, Sir, he was just joking." I shook my head as Jessica Stanley, or 'The Great Skankini' as Edward dubbed her, called out to Mr. Berty.

"Well if Mr. Newton meant to say what Jasper said, maybe next time he should read over a dictionary before answering, then maybe he wouldn't have detention after school."

It wasn't a great comeback on Mr. Berty's behalf but the look on Mike and Jessica's face was pretty priceless.

The rest of the lesson proceeded on with Mr. Berty explaining the themes and ideas of the book, having read it twice before, I continued staring out the window until a scrunched up ball of paper hit me in the head. Reaching over to grab the ball from the floor, I could almost hear Edward's smirk. Unfolding the paper I read Edward's unmistakable handwriting,

_Dude, you still up for hanging out after school? _

_Ps, your tutu would be ice blue, I reckon. Matches your eyes. ;)_

I rolled my eyes and wrote back,

_Yeah, I was thinking we just hang at my place. I don't really feel like going out. You can stay the night if you want, Emmett won't care. _

I scrunched the note back up and purposely threw it at Edward's head. He smirked, read the note and nodded just as the end of day bell rang through the classroom. Grabbing our things, Edward and I walked out of the classroom and into the stampede of students all trying to leave school via one hallway.

Walking over to Edward's black Volvo, he hit the remote to unlock the doors while muttering the usual "open sesame". The car blinked twice and I opened the passenger door and grabbed my helmet, jacket and gloves and stepped over to my baby. My Mama gave my silver Ducati 848 to me for my sixteenth birthday. Honestly I think she was trying to unconsciously get me to forgive her and move back to Houston. I just wish she would forgive herself, and stop trying to blame my father's actions on her.

My parents had always been fairly well off. We weren't rich per se, but we had money for nice things. Edward's family on the other hand had money to spare. They weren't vulgar with the way they used it, but they were always counted on to have the top of the line in pretty much everything. Edward used to tease me when I got my bike that I was "a rich kid at heart" until I pointed out that he lives in a mansion of a house and drives a top of the range Volvo, to which he replied that I was just hiding my money.

I gave Edward a two-fingered salute-style wave and told him I'd see him at my place. He started the ignition of his car and I pulled on my helmet and started my bike, taking off out of the school parking lot, weaving around the other students cars and out on to the main road. Looking back at Edward waiting in the line of cars all trying to get out at once I laughed and shook my head. _Let's see him tease me about having a bike now. _

Riding along the sleepy main road of Forks, Washington, my mind drifted. Riding was one of the things that truly made me happy. I always felt in control, I felt free.

It didn't take long to get home from school, but I got fairly soaked due to the rain worsening. The one thing I miss the most about Texas is the sun. I stepped on to my porch and closed my eyes. I was taken back to when my siblings and I were little and would spend every weekend outside in our tree house or running around playing chasey or just being kids, with our parents watching from the porch swing, their arms around each other.

_Stop it, Jasper. _

I mentally chastised myself for thinking like that. I lived in Washington now, that's just the way it is.

I unlocked the door, dumped my keys in the bowl by the door and went upstairs to grab some clothes to change into. After grabbing a pair of my favourite grey sweats and a hoodie, I went into my connecting bathroom to change. Stripping off my wet clothes and putting them in the hamper I turned to look in the mirror. Starting from the top I assessed myself. My blonde curls were slightly damp from walking to the door after taking my helmet off as they hung in my face. My eyes, a striking blue just like my mother's, looked tired and weary as I stared myself down in the mirror. Not wanting to, I glanced down at my chest, hoping beyond reason that my scars might have disappeared, been washed away with the rain. Letting out a breath I didn't realise I was holding I raised my hand to ghost over the longest of the gnashed scars that ran down from my peck almost to my bellybutton, the others shorter, but just as painful to wear.

"Jazz, are you okay?" I realised I hadn't closed my door as I saw Edward's reflection in the mirror behind me, his face lined with worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Pulling my hoodie on over my head, I walked out of my bathroom, sat down on my bed and lent against the headboard, closing my eyes. I felt the bed dip as Edward sat down across from me.

"Seriously, Jazz. What's up? You've been kinda off all day." I had to admit, he was right. Sighing, I opened my eyes and looked anywhere but at Edward. I felt a hand on my knee and turned to look at my best friend.

"How 'bout some pizza and a movie? Come on, I'll even let you pick. Maybe." He got off the bed and held a hand out to me. I took it, letting him help me up, and followed him downstairs, where he picked up the phone to place our usual order of pizza. When that was done, I sat cross-legged on the couch and let Edward lose on my DVD collection. I knew I wouldn't really get a choice in what we watched, but Edward kept asking my opinion anyway, as though he was actually going to let me choose. Watching him mutter to himself about how Shrek should have ended after the second one, I wondered if this almost over bearing trait ran in the Cullen family, because his younger sister Alice definitely had it. That girl could go non-stop for hours. I asked her one day if she was on crack, she just giggled and changed the subject.

"Okay, so I've narrowed it down to Easy A, because Emma Stone is a goddess and Penn Badgley is shirtless, or Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire because Dan Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson are just beautiful and 'cause well its Harry Potter." He turned to me grinning, as he held up both movies.

"Dude, you are almost too gay to function."

"Hey, don't quote Mean Girls and call me gay in the same sentence, hypocrite. Now choose!"

"Why don't we just watch both? We have all night."

"Fair point. Badgley it is then."

As Edward put the movie on to play, I could help but smile. Since I moved to Forks nearly four years ago Edward has been my closest friend, despite him being out going and loud and me being shy and introverted, he managed to bring me out of my shell. Edward is the only person I've told my biggest secret to, and I was the first one he came out to. I remember he was so worried I would reject him and tell everyone he was a 'fag'. When he told me his fears, I was hurt at first that he would think I would do that, but I got to thinking that his fears of rejection were more or less my own.

Edward went to the kitchen and came back with two cans of coke, and plonked himself down next to me. After taking a long, much needed drink; I got settled in to watch the movie, with Edward quoting the lines next to me. Some people may find it annoying but it's kind of mine and Edward's thing to learn all the words form a movie and quote it as we watching. Halfway through the movie my phone buzzed that I had I text. As I leant over to read it, the doorbell rang and Edward jumped up, pausing the movie yelling "pizza!" I laughed and watched him run out of the room. I stopped smiling when I read the message on my phone.

_Hey Jazz, I know I said I would be home tonight, but I got caught at work again. I'm really sorry buddy, I'll be home tomorrow, I swear. _

_Don't you and Eddie get up to anything. _

_-Em _

I sighed. _That's three nights in a row he's said that now, _I thought as Edward came back with the pizza.

"What happened?"

"Emmett won't be home again tonight. He's working on some big project or something. It's the third night he's promised he'd be home."

"Dude, that sucks. But you know he's not doing it on purpose. I'm sure he misses his little bro too."

"I know. It's just sucks majorly. I barely ever get to see him lately."

"Drown your troubles in coke and pizza my friend, that's what I do." He smirked and handed me the box.

"True that."

Edward settled back into the movie as I tried my hardest not to think about anything but the images on the screen and the pizza in my hand.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, here's chapter two. This chapter contains Edward's point of view, so I hope you enjoy his side of the story for a bit. :)

Just to repeat myself, again: This chapter contains a flashback of rape scene, if you don't want to read that scene, skip the first italicized part.

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to the Twilight franchise, I'd have better things to do than watch mtv in my pajamas on a Friday night. But I don't, obviously.

Enjoy!

**Chapter Two**

**JPOV**

"_Shut up, you filthy little shit!"_

_The gag tied around my mouth cut in as I struggled. I could hear his laughing above me as I lay on the ground. A kick to the ribs made me cry out in pain. _

"_Shut the fuck up! What did I tell you about crying? You're pathetic. You deserve this."_

_The smell of rum hung thick in the air. I hated him. I hated that he did this me. I tried to kick him away as he ripped my jeans down painfully, but he was too strong._

"_Don't. Please." _

_The gag muffled my cries as he pushed my legs apart and held them down. I was naked and crying on the floor of the basement and he was laughing. _

"_Why shouldn't I? You deserve this, everything I do to you, you bring on yourself." _

_He raised his switchblade knife in front of my face. Even in the dull light, the blade glistened. He put it to my chest and pressed down. It bit into my skin, igniting a line of fire as he pulled it down toward were he sat between my legs. Screaming through the gag, I felt him rid himself of his jeans. _

"_Please… please…don't"_

_Tears soaked my cheeks as he pushed himself forward between my legs. Pushing himself into me. I lay still and sob, knowing there's nothing I can do, as he begins to thrust. The pain in my chest and where he violates me is excruciating, making me weak. The pain makes it feel like hours, though in my head I know it is nowhere near that long. _

_He gives a final grunt and releases, pulling himself out of my trembling body. Recovering, he stands up and looks at me in disgust. I don't blame him. I would look at me like that to. Pathetic. Weak. _

_Taking a sobbing breath, I take solace in the fact that I survived this again. _

"_You disgust me. And I'm going to punish you for all that fucking crying."_

_He gets down in front of me and I sob harder. Not again. I can't survive this again. He repeats his motions and pushes hard into me. I cry out in agony._

"_No, no. Please… not again... please Dad."_

A jolt to my body wakes me.

My head is in panic mode.

"Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me!" My body is tangled in my bed sheets, they're holding me. Suffocating me.

"Jazz! Jazz, you have to calm down, there is no one here to hurt you. You're safe."

His voice is muffled in my ears as though he is far away. I can feel my chest constrict, as my breathing accelerates.

_You deserve this. _A voice rings in my head, mumbling any other thoughts. I have to get away, but I can't move. My body is frozen, my mind racing.

I can't breathe.

I can't move.

He is going to hurt me again.

The scene replays over and over in my head.

The pain, oh god the pain. I can it feel it. It spreads through my limbs and my body as strangled sobs wrack my chest. My body is conflicting with my head. It lies still, curling in on itself, while my mind is screaming at it to run. My head feels dizzy as my breath comes in short, rapid bursts.

"Jasper. You have to listen to me. It was only a dream. Nothing is going to hurt you, I'm here."

I hear his words - _it was only a dream_. They echo in my head and how I wish they were true. But it's not a dream. It's a memory. One of many that I try my hardest to suppress.

**EPOV**

I lay staring at the ceiling, my head not shutting up long enough for me to sleep. My thoughts are swirling, gnawing at the edge of my conscience, repeating the same thing over and over.

_Jasper_

I'm worried about him. He's been acting odd all week. He always says he is fine when I ask him, but he isn't fooling me. And this afternoon when I caught him looking at his scars in the mirror, he looked so broken. I wish I could just keep him next to me, where he would be out of harm's way.

Sighing, I rolled onto my side to look at Jasper sleeping beside me. He looks so peaceful and content when he sleeps. I wish he had that look all the time.

Standing up off the bed and walking to the window, I let out a sigh. Everyone is always saying how smart Edward is, how 'perfect' Edward is. How smart can I really be if I can't even help my best friend?

Looking back over to the bed as I heard Jasper stir, thinking maybe I had woken him, I see his face twist as though he is in pain. His body contorts and he lets out a whimper.

_Oh shit. _

I realised what was happening just as Jasper let out a scream. Jumping back on to the bed, I wrapped his shaking frame in my arms.

"Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me!"

His eyes open and I see nothing but panic in the blue orbs. Since I've known Jasper he has had numerous panic attacks, I guess he has stopped taking his meds again.

"Jazz! Jazz, you have to calm down, there is no one here to hurt you. You're safe," Clutching his sobbing body close to my chest, I whispered into his ear, trying to get him to calm down. "Jasper. You have to listen to me. It was only a dream. Nothing is going to hurt you, I'm here."

I feel his breathing accelerate. Jasper still struggles against me as I hold him. I know from experience what I need to do. Grabbing his arms, I turn myself to sit behind him. Holding his struggling hands at the wrists, I speak into his ear. "Jasper, listen to me. Look in front of you. What do you see? Tell me."

"I-I see, um, I see my room." I can hear the struggle in his voice as he tries to regain control.

"Be more specific." I hate doing this to him, but it's the only way he will snap out of it.

"I see… my desk… m-my laptop…" he continues to list off objects in the room until I am satisfied that his breathing is relatively back to normal. Releasing his wrists, I sit myself back in front of him on the bed.

"Jazz?" I'm not sure what I'm asking, but as he looks around the room, trying hard not to meet my eyes, I know that right now he is vulnerable.

"The moon is really big tonight…" he says looking out the window, his voice barely above a whisper. I know he is trying to change the subject, and I let it go. He's been through too much tonight for me to be on his back.

"Yeah, I think it's a full moon tomorrow…" the light of the moon shines through the window, illuminating the room, casting light on Jasper's pensive face. There is a moment's silence, which is broken only by wolves howling in the distance. "Do you want to go for a drive?" I figure that he probably won't want to go back to sleep after this whole ordeal, and frankly I don't want him to have another nightmare. I hate seeing him in so much pain.

"Yeah… yeah, I do…" he deftly stands up off the bed, pulling his hoodie on over his wife beater and slipping his shoes on. I repeat his actions, all the while watching him through the corner of my eye.


	3. Chapter 3

Obligatory author's note time! I'm actually astonished I've gotten any response at all after such a short amount of time!

This chapter will be the last upload till Friday, because I don't know if I'll have time to write with school being so hectic at the moment, and I don't want to post all my pre-written chapters and leave you with nothing. Just be let you know, this whole story is un-betad, so any mistakes lie solely on me. Fee free to let me know if there are any mistakes. :)

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Twilight, my friends would probably answer my texts, because I'd be rich. But alas.

Enjoy!

**Chapter 3**

**JPOV**

Driving down the sleepy road, I glance at the illuminated clock on the dash. _3:16am. 3 hours, 46 minutes. That's the longest I've stayed asleep all week. _

Somewhat nervously I dare a look at Edward's face in the drivers seat. I could see his worried expression clear as day, despite the moon providing the only light to the car. I hated that I worried him. This is my burden to live with, he shouldn't have to stress about what was going on in my head.

Yet, despite that, I couldn't bring myself to shut him out completely. He cared. That was more that I can say for a lot of people in my life over the years. As much as I want to just not talk about anything to anyone, I know I can trust Edward, and I owe it to him to try.

"Where are we going?" looking around, I realise that I'm not entirely sure whereabouts in Forks we are. Having not been paying attention, I don't remember which roads Edward had taken; all I knew was that we were heading out of town.

"You'll see." There was something tight in his voice that I couldn't quite place. There was a tension in the car that clung in the space between us. I'd upset him. That much I was sure of. But it was more than that. It felt as if I'd made him angry, but he was trying to hide it. Unfortunately for Edward, he isn't quite as good at hiding his emotions as I am.

Soon the car was pulling in to a small shoulder of the road that looked like it had been used as a makeshift car park a few times. There was no one else here, not that I expected anyone to be. Silently, Edward killed the engine and stepped out of the car. Assuming he wanted me to follow, I stepped out into the night. Standing at the edge of the forest with only the moon illuminating a small man made dirt path in front of where Edward was, the entire world felt like it was asleep. I glanced at Edward and he met my eyes briefly, before beginning his way down the path and into the moonlit forest. Eager not to be left standing alone on the side of the road, I hurried to catch up to Edward's silhouette walking in front of me down the path. He made quick strides, but it didn't seem as though he was in any hurry. I knew from being invited on family hiking trips with the Cullen family\

that Edward loved nature. He loved plants and animals, which fit nicely with the fact that his house was built right into a natural forest clearing with a stream running past. When I'd first befriended Edward, he and I spent hours on end 'adventuring' through the greenery near his house. Being from Texas, I wasn't used to lush green forest, and Edward took delight in showing me the places he went to be alone. This felt different to those times though. The fact that we were out here - wherever _here_ was - in the middle of the night changed the feeling I had about this whole thing.

After about five minutes of walking in silence, I was itching to ask what we were doing out here the in amongst the dense trees. Just as I opened my mouth, Edward stepped aside in front of me to reveal the open night sky, no longer obstructed by a canopy of trees. The forest ended abruptly on to hard, flat rock that dropped off to a steep cliff face down to the black ocean below. Edward looked at me as if he was judging my reaction. I didn't quite know what to think… Why did he bring me to a cliff? There was only about ten meters of space between where we were standing at the path and the edge of the cliff. I wouldn't say I was necessarily scared of heights, but it made me nervous to be so close to a cliff face in the middle of night, with no one knowing where I was. That being said, I was taken aback by the beauty of being out here. Walking forward, I could see the starlit sky reflected on the glass-like water that extended out to the horizon to join in the middle like one enormous mirror. It was breathtaking.

"What do you think?" I was startled by Edward's voice right behind me. Being caught up in taking in the sight before me, I hadn't realised he had moved forward from his position at mouth of the path.

"I… wow." I couldn't put into words what I was feeling right now. Being here, under the watchful stars, the whole world felt like it was asleep except for the two of us.

"Yeah, it's a bit like that." I could hear the chuckle in Edward's voice, and I turned to look at him.

"Why did you bring me here?" He didn't answer right away, instead he walked forward and sat down on the rock in front of me and looked down at the calm waves.

"I dunno. I come here when I need to get away and you were upset. I thought maybe if I brought you here, it might distract you." Sitting down next to him, I could hear the tension that laced his voice. Dammit. I'd done it again.

"I'm fine ya'know…" I don't think I could convince anyone with the way my voice shook as I lied. What was wrong with me lately?

"Bullshit, Jasper. Complete and utter bullshit, and you know it." His voice didn't change any and he just kept staring out into the night.

"I know…" I figured there was really no point lying anymore. To Edward, at least.

There was a few minutes silence before he asked, "Was it the same dream?"

Shuddering, I involuntarily recalled the nightmare that had woken me up. "Yeah, the one with the knife." Over the years since moving into my brother's house away from my mum, I'd had what my therapist referred to as 'repressed traumatic memories' manifest themselves as nightmares. Edward had witnessed the same thing as tonight many times. I don't know what brought this one on, but it was the first one in about two months. I really thought I'd beaten them…

"You're not taking your meds again." It wasn't a question. Shit.

"I thought I was strong enough not to need them… I really just wanted it to be over, Edward…" My words were barely above a broken whisper and I could feel the telltale sting of tears welling up in my eyes. "Of course I'm not strong enough… I'll never be strong enough…"

Suddenly Edward's arms were around me and I could hear his voice in my ear. "Listen to me Jasper. You are strong. One of the strongest people I know, actually. I don't think I could've been through everything you have and still be half as functional as you."

I was struck by his words. I'd heard doctors say the same thing, but somehow, sitting here, it meant so much more. I had to try. For Edward. He'd put up with too much of my crap for me to just sit here, a pathetic fucking mess.

I don't know how much time passed as we sat there in silence, waiting for me to regain some semblance of composure, but Edward didn't say a thing the whole time. He just sat with his arms around me, and I felt like he was literally holding me together, stopping me from slipping down into the darkest depths of my mind. I felt like it should feel weird, the fact that I was curled into his body for the second time tonight, but above all, it felt… right? I felt safe, like as long as I stayed close to him, I would be okay. I hadn't felt this way in a long time, and honestly, I liked it.

I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy, and I realised just how exhausted I was. I guess not having a full nights sleep for over a week now was finally catching up to me. I hadn't been able to sleep lately, and spent most of my night tossing and turning, eventually giving up and spending my nights drawing or something until daylight. It was becoming harder to stay awake when Edward pulled back to look at me.

"We should head back. You're tired."

He started to stand and pull me up with him, as I mumbled a lame "I'm not that tired," that was punctuated with a yawn. Laughing under his breath, Edward took my hand and started to lead me back down the path toward the car. His hand felt warm in mine and my heart felt like it was skipping beats, but I was too tired to trust anything my body was telling me right now.

I'd worry about it later.


	4. Chapter 4

So sorry about the late update! I know I said Friday, but things got a bit away from me. Oops.

Anywho, here's chapter four, only a day late.  
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/favourited/followed, especially those of you who said Edward was a good friend. It makes me happy to know I conveyed him properly :)

Just a reminder that this is all unbeta'd, so any mistakes are my fault. Sorry in advance.

I'd also just like to make note of the fact that, being Australian, I don't really know typical weather/landscape conditions and whatnot for anywhere in American, I'm only going on what I've Googled and seen in movies. Also, sorry if any thing the characters say or refer to doesn't make sense because I'm using Australian terms. Just thought I'd put that out there :)

Disclaimer: If I owned the right to Twilight, I wouldn't have to borrow my parent's car if I wanted to go anywhere. But yeah.

Enjoy!

**Chapter Four**

**JPOV**

Remember when you were little and you'd fall asleep on the couch or in the car home and magically wake up in your bed, not realising your parents had carried you there? Well it was quite a bit more confusing when it happened at the age of seventeen…

Stretching out in my bed I cursed the fucker that had opened the curtains. I squeezed my eyes closed and flung the pillow over my head. I was way too tired for my room to be this fucking bright.

"Ah, sleeping beauty awakes."

"Either close the curtains, or get the fuck out of my room Emmett." I mumbled from my place under the pillow. All I got was a laugh in response. Asshole.

"What? I don't see my little brother in three days and that's the greeting I get? I have to say Jay, I'm hurt." I could hear Edward trying not to laugh somewhere in the room. Nice to know neither of them cared whether I slept or not.

Flipping my middle finger in what I assumed was Emmett's general direction, I tried to roll over and ignore the two ass-clowns in my bedroom. 'Try' being the operative word, as Emmett muttered an "Oh no you don't," and plonked himself on to me. If that fact that his enormous frame crushing me wasn't enough, he started to tickle my ribs.

_Oh hell no. _

Gasping for breath, I grabbed the pillow off my face and smacked him in the head with it. This apparently only encouraged the bastard, as he didn't let up with the tickling. Writhing under his weight I was starting to panic, as I couldn't seem to catch my breath.

"Fuck, Em, stop! Please! Shit, mercy fucker, mercy!" I knew from experience that he wouldn't be satisfied until he could claim he had won. Hearing the rising panicky tone in my voice he immediately stopped and got up. One thing could be said about Emmett, he knew when he was about to take it too far.

Sitting up in my bed and swinging my legs over the side, I looked at Emmett and said, "What? I don't see my big brother in three days and that's the greeting I get? I have to say Em, I'm hurt." I laughed at the look on his face after having his own words thrown back at him and stood up; throwing my arms around the massive idiot that was my brother.

He smiled and chuckled out "That's better."

"Why did you two assholes feel the need to wake me up this early in the morning?" I stretched and reached for the doorknob, I was starving and could smell some sort of food from downstairs calling to me.

"Jay, it's five in the afternoon." Emmett seemed amused by the confused look on my face. Surely that couldn't be right? I turned back to my bedside table and picked up my phone. _5:24pm. Shit, Why was I still so tired? _

"Whatever." It was a lame comeback, but I didn't care, my stomach was yelling at me for skipping breakfast and lunch. "What's cooking? I can smell food."

"Typical Jasper, thinking with his stomach."

"Fuck you Edward."

"Ooh, someone's cranky." Emmett had only just got home and he had already pissed me off.

Refusing to be annoyed by these two idiots any longer, I grabbed my phone and headed down stairs to find three bowls of Emmett's famous fried rice sitting on the kitchen counter. _Fuck yes. _I loved Emmett's fried rice. He may be annoying as hell, but he can definitely cook. I plonked myself on a stool and dug in to the heaping bowl closest to me.

"Don't worry, dig in Jay." Emmett sarcastically chimed behind me.

"Whateber." I said through a mouthful of rice.

"Talking with your mouth full Jazz? I ought to tell your mother, she'd be so very proud." Edward took a seat across of me and started eating, as I flipped him off with my free hand, eliminating the need to cuss him out with food in my mouth.

After eating in silence for a couple of minutes, Emmett piped up and asked, "So, not happy this 'morning' are we Jasper?" My scowl apparently was answer enough, as he didn't ask anymore questions and went back to eating in silence.

As if it was timed, as soon as I finished my food, my phone started playing 'Pocketful of Sunshine,' indicating I had a call. I heard Edward start laughing as it was him who had set that as my ring tone and I hadn't got around to changing it. Sighing, I looked at the picture of the blonde girl and the name flashing on my screen. _Rosalie. _This could either be good, or really bad.

It turned out to be the latter as I found out by answering the phone and getting a shrill voice in response. "Why the hell have you stopped taking your medication!? Are you stupid Jasper?! Do I need to fly up there and personally smack you!?-" I took the phone away from my ear while she finished her tirade and glared at Edward.

"You told her?" There was no need to clarify who or what, the guilty look on his face said he knew exactly what I was talking about.

"She called me this morning…" He replied sheepishly.

"And you told her?!"

"I, well, I, yeah kinda-"

He was interrupted by a voice yelling my name through the phone. I put it on speaker and tried to suppress the headache I could feel forming. "Of course he told me, you idiot! Why wouldn't he?!"

"Because he's _my _friend Rose?"

"Yeah, exactly, _your _friend who cares about you, you dumbass!" She was yelling now, and I was on the verge of doing the same. "And anyway, I knew something was up, fuckwit, I can feel it! Are you really that dumb Jasper!?" Sometimes I hated the fact that we were twins. I couldn't hide anything from her.

"Keep up with the insults Rose, they're doing wonders to my self-esteem." I replied flatly.

"Don't you give me that shit Jazz, I'm angry with you." She had stopped yelling, but there was still venom in her voice, and I didn't want to put up with it anymore.

"Ya'know what Rose? I don't give a flying fuck if you're angry with me! I'm not exactly happy with you right now either!" I could feel my anger rising and it was showing in my voice. "I mean, you find out that your brother isn't taking his crazy pills, and instead of finding out why, you start screaming at me and calling me stupid! What the fuck?" I wasn't really all that mad at Rose, I was just angry in general and I was taking it out on her. "I don't know why the fuck you even bothered to call me, seeing as you've already gone behind my back! Just fuck off and leave me alone. All of you." With that I stormed out of the kitchen and out the back door. I needed to get out before I said something I regretted.

_Little late for that, don'tcha think? _

Dammit. I played back what I had said as I ran into the thickening forest behind our house. I regretted going off like that. I really wanted to go back into the house and apologise to Emmett, Edward and especially Rose. I know she really does mean the best, I just wish she would hold back with the yelling when she got mad. I guess we have that in common. Other than our looks and obvious anger management issues, my twin sister and I were almost polar opposites. She was loud and quick to voice her opinion, whereas I was more the type to sit in silence and think about things. Rosalie often spoke without thinking — another reason I shouldn't have gotten so mad just now — and I usually over-thought everything. Rosalie was the one person that could completely understand me, yet push all my buttons and annoy me to such an extent that I thought I would lose my mind.

After jogging for a minute or so, I came across a familiar rock formation that I used to go to all the time. I hadn't been to my quiet place among the trees in months now; I'd almost forgotten it was here. There were two large boulders that stood up and blocked anyone from seeing behind where a small hollow tucked into the formation. The flat rock floor, perfect size to sit in and survey the forest, was where I took my refuge. Laying my head back against the rock, I closed my eyes and tried to turn my brain off. I listened to the sounds of the forest around me. I could hear small animals scurrying among the leaves somewhere to my right. I could hear the birds in the trees above me. I could hear approaching footsteps, as well as Emmett and Edward calling my name.

_Dammit. Can't I just get ten minutes alone? _

I hugged my knees to my chest in an attempt to make myself smaller in hopes that the rocks would swallow me and I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. I could hear their voices getting closer to where I was sitting, and I found myself holding my breath, praying they would just keep walking and not find me.

"Jay? Jay, where are you?" Emmett sounded worried, and I immediately felt guilty.

"Jazz I'm sorry, just please come back, it's gonna be dark soon." I had to bite my tongue to stop from calling out to Edward.

He was right, it would be dark soon, and I should really go back to the house, but I just couldn't bring myself to face them right now. I felt like my head was going to explode with the all thoughts running circles inside my brain. I couldn't begin to comprehend the emotions I was feeling. Out of nowhere, a choked sob escaped my mouth. I hadn't realised just how much I was holding back, and once that first sob had broken the floodgates, I had no hope of stopping the ones that followed. I hated this. This feeling of hopelessness, of uselessness, and of letting down everyone I loved. I hadn't seen Emmett in days because of his job, and I'd already fucked up things so much that I was sitting crying in a forest while he and my best friend called my name. Raking my hands through my hair, I tried to even out my breathing and regain some control.

_'You are strong. One of the strongest people I know, actually.'_

With my eyes closed and head buried in my hands, I didn't notice Emmett until he put a hand on my shoulder, and I jumped.

"Jay. We need to talk…"


	5. Chapter 5

So I managed to be on time this week!

Well here is chapter five, picking up directly from where we left off. I'm hoping this chapter shows a bit more of Emmett and Rosalie, and I'd really like to know what you guys think of them. :)

Huge thank you to those of you who have reviewed, followed and favourited!

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Twilight, well, I wouldn't have to write a damn disclaimer every week. So there you go.

Enjoy!

**Chapter Five **

**JPOV**

_"Jay. We need to talk…"_

Shit. Goddamn-fucking-shit.

Emmett grabbed my right hand and pulled me to my feet as I wiped the traitorous tears from my face with my left. Walking in silence back to the house, I trailed behind Emmett and Edward, looking at the dirt track we were walking on. In my periphery, I could see Edward trying to sneak glances at me. I really wanted to return his glance; I wanted to be able to muster up enough energy to give him just one smile that said I was fine. I just didn't have it in me though. Everything that had happened last night had left me emotionally drained, and, as much I hated to admit it, part of me knew that without the medication my doctor had prescribed in my system I was emotionally unstable as well. Most likely explained why I went from normal to angry to a blubbering mess in the space of an hour…

When we reached the house, Emmett stopped on the back porch and said, "wait here," before disappearing through the back door and returning a minute later. Edward and I lent against the railings that separated the porch from the grass and the forest, still not making eye contact, not that it was from lack of him trying. I made it hard by staring intently at the ground, looking up only when I heard the familiar click of a cigarette lighter. Emmett covered the cigarette from the wind and took a long drag, blowing the smoke up into the air. I frowned as I took in the sight. Emmett only smoked when he was feeling particularly stressed.

"So. Why no meds Jasper?" Emmett looked me in the eye and flicked the ash off his cigarette over the porch railing.

I considered answering sarcastically as was typical of me in tense situations, but I thought better of it when I realised Emmett had called me Jasper, not Jay. He rarely ever used my actual name, preferring instead to use the nickname he had given me when I was little, stating at the age of seven that 'Jazz and Rose sounded too the same, and that was just confusing.'

"I dunno." shrugging my shoulders, I broke Emmett's intent gaze.

"Yes you do." Edward stated matter-of-factly from his place beside me.

"So? What's the excuse this time?" Emmett questioned, silently reminding me of the other times I had stopped taking my medication. Those times hadn't worked out so well either.

"I… I just thought I didn't need them anymore okay? I hadn't had a nightmare in about two months; I didn't feel so… sad or anxious all the time. I just… I don't know, I just thought I could get by without them for a bit." I felt like I had disappointed Emmett after all he had done for me and I wrung my hands, trying not to look too pathetic, though I don't think it was working.

"You felt that way _because _of the medication though Jasper, why do you always do that? You get prescribed something and just when it starts to work, you stop." Emmett's voice was concerned, though I felt like he should be yelling. He was right, I did always ruin whatever progress I was making.

"It's just really hard to know what's me and what's not. It's so fucking confusing Emmett. If I feel happy, I can never tell whether I actually am, or whether the drugs are making me think I am. I don't like it… I feel like I'm losing my mind…" I said surprisingly calmly. Maybe I had cried myself dry or something, because all of a sudden I didn't feel the overwhelming sadness that had been in my mind a couple of minutes ago. This is what I meant when I said I felt like I was losing my mind. My emotions were always running rampant in my head, fighting for the driving position. I knew better than to think the feeling was gone, it was just biding it's time to come back and hit me full force when I least expected it.

"I know Jasper, I know. I'm just worried about you, and don't even start trying to tell me not to be like you usually do. I'm your brother; it's my right to worry about you. Same with Edward here." Emmett gestured to the silent figure that stood on my left. "He is your best friend and I can't stand here idly by until you try to push him away like everyone else. I know you hate hearing this bro, but you need help. We know that, you know that, and you shouldn't be so ashamed to admit it. You have all these people that want to help you Jay, you just have to let us. Mum and Rose included." Emmett spoke evenly and I tried my best to take in what he was saying.

"I know Em, it's just hard…" Sighing, I turned to Edward, "I'm sorry I got mad at you for telling Rose. She would've found out one way or another. That's what she's good at."

"That's okay, I shouldn't have told her anyway, it wasn't my place. You should've been the one to say something." Edward looked guilty, and I couldn't have that.

"No, no, I'm glad you told her. As Emmett said, I… I need help." It was hard to make myself admit it. "I need to get shit out of my head, and apparently I need a bit of a shove."

"As fun as all this is, it's starting to rain again and I've finished my smoke, so I vote we go inside." Emmett stamped out his cigarette on to the porch decking and headed back inside.

Sighing, Edward and I followed suit and made for the back door, though not before I picked up Emmett's burnt out cigarette butt. Putting the butt in the bin under the kitchen sink, I looked at my brother who was digging around in the fridge. "I thought you quit." I didn't like the fact that Emmett smoked, and I hadn't seen him indulge in his vice in months, though he usually didn't do it in front of me.

"Never said that." Emmett stood up and pulled a beer out of the fridge. Taking a swig, he turned and looked at the apparent disapproval on my face. "It's a dirty habit. You shouldn't start. It's really hard to stop."

"Can't be that hard." As strange as it sounds, the banter between us was comforting.

"Says you. Anyway, that was the first one I've had in two days. Be proud of me." Emmett had a shit-eating grin on his face and I couldn't help but laugh. "You staying the night Eddie?"

"Huh?" Edward looked up from his phone in his hand, clearly not following the conversation change.

I laughed at the confused look on his face, "He said are you staying over tonight?"

"Oh, uh, yeah probably. I've got nothing to do at home."

"Alright, sweet. You can borrow some of my clothes if you want a shower." Edward had a tendency to get lost in his own world sometimes, a habit he and I shared.

"Jay, you should probably call Rosie…" Emmett said from his place at the island bench. Along with calling me Jay, Emmett had adopted the habit of calling our sister Rosie, a nickname she hated with a passion. He openly admitted that he only kept doing it because it annoyed her so much.

Making my way up the stairs I told Emmett I would call her after I showered. All I really wanted right now was to have a hot shower to un-kink the muscles in my back after sleeping for so long. Locking the bathroom door behind me out of habit, I stripped off the clothes I had slept in and let the steam from the shower fill the room. I avoided looking in the mirror as I walked past in order not to see the broken mess I knew would be looking back at me, and focused instead on the warm water running over my body, trying to put the negative thoughts out of my head.

After getting dressed in a pair of grey sweats and a long sleeve shirt that was at least a size too big, I went down stairs to retrieve my phone, only to find Emmett and Edward sprawled on the couch watching Harry Potter.

"Really guys? Edward, we watched this yesterday. And Em, you've seen this movie about seven thousand times-"

I collective "shhhhh!" was the only response I got as I walked back to room laughing to myself.

Sprawling myself out on my bed, I scrolled through my phone and pressed the contact for my sister, somewhat dreading the conversation I was about to have. The phone rang twice before Rosalie's voiced answered in a fake professional tone, "Houston sperm bank, you whack it, we pack it. How may I direct your call?"

"Well, I was looking to talk to my sister, but I guess I caught her at work again. I know how she loves that place, _if ya know what I mean._"

"Hey, what are you tryna say!" _Gotcha. _

"I win." A running joke between my sister and I was to make the other crack first, and I usually always won. If she were here, she would most definitely smack the grin off my face.

"Dammit." I heard her sigh through the phone. "What's up Jazz?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to apologise for before…" I knew I could talk to Rose about anything and everything, but I still hated admitting to her that I was wrong.

"No need, I know better than anyone that I have a _slight _tendency to go off at people without actually thinking about what I'm saying. And I really did only ask Edward what was going on because I knew something was up; I should've asked you directly… But enough of that! I have news!" Sometimes I thought my sister and Edward's were secretly related, they both had the uncanny ability to talk at the speed of light and to drop one subject and pick up another as if nothing had changed. Probably why she and Alice got along so well whenever Rose came to visit.

"Good news, or bad news?"

"Well… good news for me, maybe not so much for you…" I could practically hear her grin through the phone and I started to worry what this 'news' might be.

"Okay… Well, hurry up and tell me then."

"Okay!" She sounded like she was gonna burst, "Ya'know that guy I told you about, Peter? He asked me to be his girlfriend." Rose very uncharacteristically giggled through the phone.

"You're right, that wasn't good news for me. Now I have to start thinking of ways to dispose of a body when this Peter guy hurts my baby sister. Though I guess Emmett would help, it's more of a two man job."

"Okay, for starters Jazz, Peter isn't like that. He's sweet and funny and I really like him. So no homicide. Any secondly, I've told you before, I'm not your _baby sister_. You're a couple of minutes older than me."

"Three minutes, and don't you forget it. Also, I'm taller, so my word is law." The thing I loved about talking to Rose was, even over the phone, we could still torment one another like we used to when we were growing up. To be honest, I missed her so much sometimes.

"Yeah, get fucked, _your majesty_. Anyway, what's the deal with you?"

"What'd you mean what's the deal with me?"

"Are you dating anyone?" That was unexpected.

"As if I wouldn't tell you if I was Rose."

"I'm not hearing a no Jasper." She said in a singsong voice.

"No, Rosalie. I am not dating anyone. There's no one worth dating here. I mean, there are a few nice girls, but none I'd really want to date. I think I learnt my lesson by dating Jessica anyway."

"The Great Skankini?" It was scary how fast information passed.

"You need to talk to Edward less…"

"Actually Alice told me that. But who said you had to look for a girl? I'm sure there are some fairly good looking guys-"

"I'm not gay Rose!" The fuck had that come from?

"I never said you were, I'm just sayin', it's an option-"

"I'm not gay Rosalie!"

"-I mean, Edward is a fine specimen if I don't say so myself. I wish he wasn't gay, I'd snap him up for myself-"

"Oh, my god! I'm not gay Rose!"

A laugh down the phone line was the only response I got before she said goodnight and hung up, leaving me more than slightly confused.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm sort of blown away with the response I've gotten from this story so far! Thank you heaps again to those of you who have followed and favourited, and especially those of you who have taken the time to review. I really love knowing what people think.

I think this chapter is the longest so far (but I have been known to be wrong about technicalities), and is mostly made up of a flash back. I wanted to give you an insight into Jasper's past, and possibly justify a little as to why he is so messed up.

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Twilight I'd be able to afford to pay someone to write witty disclaimers for me. But for now, you're stuck with my lame ones.

Enjoy!

*also, important author's note at the end!*

**Chapter Six**

**JPOV**

"Tell me about your dream, Jasper."

"I've told you everything before."

"I want you to tell me again."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Jasper…" An exasperated sigh came from the Doctor.

I knew I was being difficult, but that was her problem. I could do it all day if need be. I'd already told her that I didn't feel like talking today, let alone listening to the psychobabble that shrinks were able to spout so seamlessly. To be fair to her, Charlotte was actually pretty cool. For a therapist. Sitting in her chair, she was giving me the same look she always did when I decided to be annoying, which was a fairly frequent occurrence. If it were up to me, I wouldn't be here at all today.

Pushing a stray stand of hair behind her ear she sighed again and tilted her head, "What if we talk about something different then, hmm?" We'd spent forty minutes already with her trying to pry more information out of me, and it was clear she didn't think it was going to work. I told her already that I had another nightmare and a panic attack from it, to which she'd reprimanded me for not taking my medication, again, and told me how dangerous it was, again.

"What'd you have in mind Doc?"

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" Charlotte did this thing where she would try to lead me into a topic to get me to open up. It never worked though; I don't know why she bothers.

"Nope."

"Nothing at all?"

"Nup. Nothing."

"Oh really?" She sounded as if she knew something I didn't, which worried me a little.

"What…?"

"Nothing." She grinned at me and I scowled. I was the one that played games and frustrated people, not the other way around. "I was just wondering about Edward."

That was odd. "What about Edward…?"

"Tell me about him."

"What about him?" I was genuinely confused at what she wanted me to say. I'd never really gone into detail about my friendship with Edward in any of my sessions; I'd mentioned him, sure, but never anything specific.

"What's he like? I want you to describe his personality for me, tell me about your friendship."

"Okay, umm…" I figured that talking about Edward would be easier than talking about myself. "We're close, I guess, like best friends. Um, I dunno, I tell him almost everything." Okay, so apparently talking about other people is just as hard talking about yourself.

"Almost everything?" She questioned, after scribbling something on the notepad she kept on her lap.

"Well, yeah, I mean, I don't really tell anyone _everything, _I guess.But I tell Edward and Rosalie just about everything."

More notes. "Does Edward tell you everything?"

"Uh, yeah I suppose so. He's a pretty open person once he trusts someone."

"Do you trust Edward?" I couldn't tell if Charlotte actually thought she was on to something, or she was just pulling questions out of thin air.

"Uh, yeah, of course I do. He's the only one that isn't in my family that knows… w-what h-happened to me." As much as I hated it, every time I even tried to talk about what had happened to me I either jumbled my words or stuttered like crazy. Sometimes both.

"Right, of course. And you told him exactly what happened?"

"I didn't go into detail, I just told him enough to make him believe I was telling the truth."

_The night I had told Edward about my past had been awful. He had stayed the night at my house to keep me company while Emmett was out of town once again. Everything had been normal, eating pizza and watching TV as usual, until I had gotten up to go the bathroom while was Edward channel surfing, looking for something to watch. At first I didn't pay attention to what he had landed on, being preoccupied with emptying my ready to burst bladder, but when I came back into the room, the TV show caught my eye. It must have been some crime investigation show or something, one of the ones that have the flashbacks to what had supposedly happened. Currently on the screen was a young boy, probably about ten or eleven years old, sitting in a dark room. I could see the tears in the young actors eyes and they looked all too real. There were loud footsteps coming from somewhere in front of where the boy was sitting. It was when he heard the noise and tried to curl in on himself, his young frame shaking, that I realised he was hiding from whoever had just opened the door to the room. I sat silently staring it the screen as I saw a tall man advance toward the boy, who had abandoned all hopes of being quiet and let out a terrified sob, knowing there was no escape from what was coming. The man grabbed the boy and hit his face and I couldn't help but flinch. If Edward noticed, he didn't say anything. The camera angles changed rapidly as the boy cried out, making it near impossible to see what was going on, creating the desired effect to the viewer. The camera panned out in the darkness and man's large frame covered the boy's as I realised, with the bile rising in the back of my throat, what was happening to the boy._

_Exactly the same thing that had happened to me, time and time again. _

_Everything suddenly went cold and all I could hear were the screams of the boy and blood rushing in my ears. I felt the room begin to spin and I could feel something gripping my shoulder, calling my name. I turned to look at Edward and the look on his face told me that the screams were in fact coming from me, but I couldn't seem to stop them. The room wouldn't stay still and my eyes were blurring, I could see Edward's lips moving, but the pounding in my ears was too loud to hear his voice. I closed my eyes and felt like I was standing next to a raging ocean with the wind chilling me down to my bones and the angry waves deafening me. I pushed through the haze and ran to the bathroom, smashing my hip into the kitchen counter on the way past. I barely registered the shooting pain as I bent over the toilet bowl and emptied the contents of my churning stomach into it. After a minute or two of heaving, my stomach was empty and my throat was raw. I moved away from the toilet and lent my head back against the bathtub. I felt more than saw Edward sit down on the floor next to me. I stared blankly at the wall until my brain registered that he was holding a glass of water. With shaking hands I took a tentative sip of water and let out a shuddering breath. _

_"Look, Jazz, I don't know what that was, but I'm here okay?" He spoke in a hushed tone, as if I was likely to be spooked by loud sounds. I guess, for all he knew, I was. "If you want me to leave, that's fine, I'll go." _

_My head snapped up to look at him. "Please don't leave… I don't want you to leave…" A sob threatened to break through the carefully placed walls I had built over the years. Edward had never seen me cry. _

_"Shh, Jazz, it's okay, I'm not going anywhere." He shifted to sit by my side and carefully wrapped an arm around my shoulders, waiting to see if I would react. Normally I would cringe away from someone touching me, especially when I was on the verge of a breakdown, but Edward's arm was comforting and I found myself leaning into his side, attempting to stifle my sobs in his shoulder. _

_I don't know how long we sat there on the bathroom floor, but Edward didn't protest at all, he just kept whispering soothing things in my ear. To this day I can't remember what he said, but somehow it pulled me back from the brink of a full-blown panic attack, something that only Emmett had ever been able to do. Eventually my sobs withered down to occasional hiccups and I pulled back to look at Edward. I remember thinking that I had no idea how I was going to explain what had just happened, and that thought alone almost sent me spiraling right back to the point of brink, but I realised that Edward deserved the truth, and now was as good a time as any. _

_"Ed-edward…" I didn't know what to say. " Edward I… I need to tell you s-something." _

_He must have heard the hesitation in my voice, because he was quick to jump in and say, "Jazz, it's okay, really. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." The fact that he was entirely sincere almost made me want to start crying again. _

_Taking a deep, albeit shuddering, breath I said, "No, I need to tell you. I need to tell someone. And I trust you." _

_"Okay. But if you want to stop or anything, just tell me, I wont question it." _

_"Okay. I don't really know how to say this, or how you'll react… I'll just start from the beginning." I tried to take deep breaths, just like Emmett always told me to do when I got like this. Edward just sat waiting for me to get my breathing under control. _

_"Okay… Okay. Do you remember me telling you that my Dad drank a lot?" He nodded. "When I was Eleven, Mama used to go away a lot for work, like for a week at a time to support us because Dad had lost his job. When he got laid off he started to drink even more and he also started to get violent… He never hit my mum, or Rosalie either. He started to hit Emmett though… That's why Em moved out eventually and came here. He couldn't stand it anymore…" Edward waited for me to gather my thoughts. _

_"After Emmett moved out, things started to get worst and Dad would take his anger out on me. Mum blamed herself for Emmett being gone, so she threw herself into her work and she was away all the time. Rosalie practically lived at our Uncle Garret's place with his daughter Kate because she hated being at home when Mama wasn't there."_

_"He beat you when your Mum was away?" Edward said, piecing together what I was saying. I think he was asking questions to show he was truly listening and trying to understand. _

_"Yeah. Dad was careful not to let anyone find out. He didn't leave bruises that I couldn't cover up with my clothes, otherwise people would ask questions." _

_"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Edward asked sincerely. I'd been asked the same thing countless times, and every time I answered I realised how stupid my reasoning was. _

_"I didn't want to tear my family apart more. I didn't want to be the reason my family fell apart…" _

_"Okay. That's understandable." No one has ever said that before. "What happened next?" _

_Staring forward at the clean, white tile walls of the bathroom, I continued. "Eventually it got really bad. He was always drunk. When Mum was home, he kept to himself mostly. Their marriage pretty much fell apart, I never saw them speak other than in passing, and Dad started sleeping on a mattress in our basement." I visibly shuddered at the thought of that god-awful basement that still haunted my nightmares. "That went on for a few months before it happened." My voice broke on the last word. I didn't know how I was supposed to tell the most important person in my life that I was this filthy, unclean shell of a person. _

_Edward's face grew more worried, so I squeezed my eyes closed and just kept talking. I couldn't bear to see the disgust in me that would surely show on face when I told him. "One night while Mama and Rose were away, he hit my face. Hard. He'd never hit my face before; you can't hide a black eye. He was more drunk than usual that night and I guessed he figured since he'd already left a mark that it didn't matter what he did. He started to hit me in the stomach and kicked me the ribs when I fell to the ground. After a while I couldn't take the pain and I passed out. When I woke up I was in the basement with a rag tied around my mouth and my hands and feet tied." I fought to keep my voice and breathing under control as I went on._

_"I lied there for I don't know how long, then he came into the basement with a knife. I tried to get away from him but I was tied up and in a lot of pain. Then he started to cut off my clothes. I got really scared at that point and started to scream, so he hit me in the ribs again. I had no choice but the lie there while he cut away my clothes. He kept saying things like, I deserved what he was going to do to me, and it was my fault Emmett was gone and that Mum and Rose were gone. Then he… he…" I was crying again at this point and I opened my eyes to see Edward's face full of emotion. I couldn't say it. I couldn't bring myself to say the words. _

_"He raped you, didn't he Jasper?" _

_"Yes," I couldn't hold back the sobs that once again ripped through my chest so hard I thought I might physically break under the force. My body folded forward in on itself and I hung my head in hands. I hated him. I hated what he'd done to me. I hated myself for letting him. _

_I felt Edward's arms wrap around me, seemingly trying to hold my shaking frame together. He kept silent as I finally let my pain surface, rather than pushing it down, as I was so accustom to._

_I'm not sure how much time passed before I felt too weak to cry anymore. "You must think I'm disgusting. You can leave, I don't blame you." Wiping my eyes on my shirt, I looked at Edward's face and saw exactly what I had expected. Disgust. "I'm filthy. He made me filthy."_

_Edward pushed me back and held me at arms length away from him. I knew this was coming. I had always known it was coming; he deserved a friend that wasn't so damaged. _

_"Jasper. Don't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not disgusted. Not at all. Only at your father. I don't understand how someone could do that to their own child… I just can't even comprehend…" He sounded exasperated, shaking his head._

_"You're not?" He wasn't disgusted in me? I didn't understand how he couldn't be? _

_"Of course not! Jasper, you are my best friend. Nothing could change that. Nothing at all, ever. Okay? I swear to you." A tear rolled down my cheek, joining the already wet patch on the front of my shirt. "Come on, you look exhausted. How about you take a shower and I'll make us some hot cocoa?" I deftly nodded my head as he stood up and offered me his hand. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my chest and I could now breathe a bit easier._

_That was the first night I ever fell asleep in my best friend's arms. _

"And I'm assuming he believed you?" Charlotte's voice brought me back to the present.

"Yeah, yeah he did. Without question, actually."

"Okay, well I think we've made good progress here today Jasper," she said, while scribbling on the notepad.

"How, exactly? I didn't even say anything?"

"It wasn't what you said, it was how you said it. I really think you need to cherish what you have with Edward. A good friendship is hard to come by. You are prone to pushing people away and not letting people in. I want you to start opening up more when you get upset. No more running off into forests okay?" She smirked at me from her place in her red chair. "And for crying out loud, I prescribe you medication for a reason, okay? It won't do anything sitting in the bottle, you actually have to take it," she said with an exaggerated sigh, making a show of throwing her hands in the air. That was one thing I liked about Charlotte, she had the ability to make heavy subjects lighter, and I appreciated it more than she knew.

"Yeah, yeah, I will." I said while shaking my head and standing up to leave.

"I do have an exercise I'd like you to do for me though."

"Really Doc, homework?"

"Oh, don't be like that, it's easy. I know how good you are at drawing, and I've seen lots of people work through complicated emotions by being able to put it on paper. Next time you feel overwhelmed or upset, I want you to draw me how you feel. It doesn't have to be anything specific, just draw whatever comes to mind in the moment, okay?" Charlotte smiled at me from across the room.

"That sounds absolutely crazy, but then again, I think I may be crazy sometimes, so I guess it's fitting. Alright, I'll give it a go," chuckling to myself, I waved to Charlotte before telling her I'd see her at next week's session and walking out the door to where I had parked my bike in the parking lot.

Despite the heavy topics and the memories I had talked and thought about in today's session, I actually left with a smile on my face, something that rarely happened. Charlotte had said I was making progress. Maybe I was actually starting to be able to wade through the thick fog that clouded my mind.

Maybe.

Author's note time!

Okay, so that was my last pre-written chapter and so far I've been having a bit of writer's block with the next one. It's in progress; it's just slow going at this stage. Also, I'm going to be going on vacation in two days to stay with a friend across the country for almost two weeks, so it's quite likely I won't have the chance to write, or if I do – the chance to update. I will try my best, But I can' promise an update next week at this rate.

Pretty please with Jasper on top let me know what you thought of this chapter, I'd like to know how you felt about the flashback. :)


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys, I'm back! Sorry this chapter took so long to write, time got away from me. *insert various excuses here*

So this chapter is entirely from Edward's point of view, just for something different. I wanted to give his _feelings _a little light. This chapter is more of a beginning chapter leading to something bigger in a couple chapters time, so bear with me and the guys as I create the build up.

As always, thank you to all the exceedingly lovely people who reviewed, favourited and followed – having that little email pop up on my phone truly makes my day :)

Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Twilight, I wouldn't be sitting on the floor at school, typing this right now, but yeah.

Enjoy!

**Chapter Seven **

**EPOV**

I have a secret. A big one. And it's eating at me.

All I want to do is talk about it to someone- scratch that, all I want to do is talk to Jasper about it. But he is the last person who can know.

It's maddening, to be honest.

Right now I should be studying, but my mind is wandering elsewhere and I've given up trying to concentrate on the words on the paper in front of me.

"Jasper! Fucking quit it!" He looks up from the page he was drawing on, startled.

"Huh?"

"You're tapping your fucking foot again! I can't concentrate, and it's pissing me off!" exasperated, I run my fingers through my hair. I'm not really pissed at him, his foot tapping was just a small outlet for my pent up frustration. Jasper just stared at me like a puppy that has been yelled at for something it doesn't understand. He mumbles a 'sorry', tucking his feet under his chair and continues drawing.

I don't know what was wrong with me lately. My mind has been wandering, I can't concentrate on anything and it's annoying the hell out of me. I keep going in circles imagining the scenarios in which I tell him. Some end well - most don't. Most end with Jasper never speaking to me again, or perhaps worst still, him pretending nothing has changed and acting differently with me. I find myself lying awake at night contemplating the pros and cons, making a mental list rife with tally marks on either side, on whether or not to burden him with my problems. Almost every rational part of me says 'no keep your damn mouth shut he has enough of his own shit to worry about without you adding to it', but then the less rational, more selfish part pipes up and says 'tell him tell him you'll never know if you don't plus Jasper would kick your ass if he knew you were hiding something from him because you think he couldn't hack it'.

Every night I'm subjected to this internal banter between the two opposing parts of my psyche, feeling like a helpless spectator forced to listen to each side war it out until it gets to about 2:30am and I want to cry and tear my hair out in frustration because I just want to sleep and the battle in my head wont shut the fuck up.

"Edward, It's time to go." Jasper brings me out of my thoughts and alerts me to the fact that I haven't done anything remotely productive in the fifty-minute study period and its now home time. There's little emotion in Jasper's voice, something that usually only happens when someone has snapped at him. Then it occurs to me that I did exactly that not five minutes ago. Fuck. Without making eye contact he stands up to gathers his things, tells me he'll meet me at the car and walks out the double doors without looking back.

"Goddamn, I'm an ass." I mumble under my breath, as I shove my books into my bag and hurry after him. I have to work on venting my frustrations more constructively. _Maybe I should buy a punching bag_, I wonder as Mike Newton walks past me as if on cue. _He'll do. _

When I got to the parking lot, Jasper was leaning against the hood of my Volvo, head down with hands in his pockets. I stopped in front of him, but he didn't look at me.

"Jasper, I'm sorry. I… I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just, I dunno, frustrated." I ran a hand through my hair and sighed.

Jasper finally glanced up at me and smirked, "I know you didn't mean it, I was just waiting to see how long before you'd apologize. Now c'mon and open your car so I can get my stuff."

"Jerk." I fished my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the doors while rolling my eyes.

"Bitch." Jasper threw back, sniggering as he grabbed his jacket and helmet from my passenger seat.

I climbed into the driver's seat, giving myself a second longer than was appropriate to watch Jasper shrug on his leather jacket, before turning on the ignition of my car. I hit the button on the console to wind down the passenger window and call through the car, "Meet you at mine?"

"Sure thing, try to keep up Eddie boy." He smirked, before pulling his helmet over his face and mounting the bike. He revved the engine twice and took off before I had a chance to realise I should be leaving too, lest he give me shit for falling too far behind.

I followed far enough behind Jasper down the main road that he could still brag about being in front, but close enough that I could catch up if I wanted to. Though I had to admit to myself that were I to catch up to him he'd most likely take off and leave me for dead. Jasper's bike was seriously fast, and I knew that was what he loved about it, consistently sitting exactly 4mph over the speed limit, just so he was faster than the other traffic. Sometimes I worried that his bike would be the death of him. It wasn't that he wasn't skilled enough to control it, or stupid enough to be reckless, but I knew that he was always itching to let loose and take the vehicle to it's limits. That sort of desire could be dangerous.

I found my mind drifting as I followed the familiar road home. I started to think about how I could tell him, or whether I even should. I know Jasper would hate knowing that I'd been hiding something from him. Ever since I came out to him, I'd always tried to be an open book. I didn't like secrets, and now I was the one keeping them.

God things were messed up.

"Boys, dinner's ready!"

Hearing my mum call from the kitchen, Jasper and I paused the video game we were playing and hurried downstairs, following the delicious aroma of my mother's cooking.

Taking a seat at the dining table, I dug in immediately, my mouth watering in anticipation. I hadn't eaten since this morning and I really did love mum's cooking.

"Well, it's nice to see that someone has still maintained their manners." Mum said, laughing as she took her seat at the end of the table, referring, of course, to Jasper, who sat with his hands neatly folded in front of him as he waited for my parents to take their seats. He did this every time he ate here. It started out purely as a show of respect to my Mother and Father, but now I knew it was more to spite me, because he knew it made me look bad. It would have been annoyed me, if I hadn't met his Mother the summer after we met. Mary Whitlock was as old fashioned as a modern businesswoman could manage, and had raised her son to be the perfect southern gentleman. So much so, that it had taken four months, and constant telling from my parents for him stop referring to them as 'Sir' and 'Ma'am'. So as much as it amused my Mother, and irked me, I knew that it simply went against Jasper's upbringing to be as laid back as I was in my own home.

"Shame that can't be said for Edward. I can't help feeling we went wrong somewhere Esme." My Father chuckled as he sat at the head of the table and started filling his plate.

"Not my fault Mum's food is too good to wait. I just don't have the willpower he does." I gave my Mum a cheesy grin and she shook her head and laughed. Jasper had finally started to eat and I was glad that he had quickly grown accustom to the banter between my family. It had taken him a little while to settle in here, but now he regarded my house a second home, a fact of which I knew my parents were glad. They both had a natural paternal instinct, and took it upon themselves to look out for Jasper, since his own mother was so far away.

After finishing dinner and the inane conversion about each other's day that went with it, Jasper and I bid my parents goodnight and headed back upstairs for the night.

"Ya'know, I don't think we've every stayed on one topic during a dinner conversation." Jasper wondered aloud as he sat himself on the bed, ready to resume the game.

"Well, yeah, that's 'cause Alice isn't here, she never lets us stay on one topic." Jasper chuckled and agreed. Alice had decided to stay at a friends place for the weekend, much to my relief. It meant we weren't in danger of being annoyed by my younger sister, who I'm fairly sure liked Jasper just a little too much. The less time she spent around him, the better.

_Oh god. _I need to stop thinking like that. I'm getting jealous of my own sister for crying out loud.

Ten minutes into our resumed game, Jasper spoke, eyes still fixed forward on the tv, "Hey Edward?"

"Yeah, Jazz?"

"What was up with you today? It's not really like you to be so, I dunno, stressed looking."

I sighed but didn't respond. I didn't how to explain that _he_ was my problem. His entire existence caused me such grief, and I didn't know how I was going to carry on pretending.

Pretending not to be utterly, and completely in love with him.

When I didn't supply a reason, Jasper paused the game and turned to me with a serious look in his eye, the kind of look that said 'don't bullshit me', and I knew I was in trouble. "Seriously Ed, talk to me."

"It's nothing, I was just tired and frustrated with my history paper," I lied, un-pausing our game, despite the fact Jasper had set down his controller on the bed. I was being stubborn and I knew it.

"Then let me help you with it, you know I'm good at history," he offered, ignoring the fact that my eyes still hadn't left the screen, where I was pretending to be severely concentrated on hunting down an enemy I'd killed multiple times before.

"It's okay, I figured it out." I said with a certain finality, trying to end this particular conversation. Jasper clearly didn't notice the hint, or if he did he kept on driving right past it.

"Ed, c'mon, it's me. If there's something going on in that crazy head of yours, you can talk to me about it."

Some restraint inside of me must have snapped with his words, because I threw down my controller, oblivious to the _GAME OVER _that it caused on the screen. "No, Jasper, I can't okay. I can't fucking talk to you, of all people. I wish I could, but I can't. To be honest, it's making it worst just talking about talking to you. This is just one thing I can't tell okay? That just the way it is."

Jasper visibly recoiled at my words, and I realised then that my voice had risen at more than I'd meant it to. I'd practically shouted at him. I immediately regretted it, but that didn't stop the wide-eyed look of shock on my best friend's face. Jasper _hated _confrontation, I knew that, and I'd yelled at him.

"E-edward, I… I'm sorry, I'm really sorry…" he apologized, despite not having done a thing wrong, his eyes falling to his hands in his lap.

"No, fuck! Jasper, I didn't mean it like that- I meant, fuck- I didn't-" I fumbled to fix the mess I'd just caused, tripped over my words in attempt to explain myself.

"It's okay, I-I get it, you don't need me to deal with whatever's going on, I was just tryna help," Jasper's voice was shaking slightly and I started to worry that I'd done more damage than I'd immediately thought, "I-I'm just gonna go take a shower."

And with that he disappeared into my bathroom, the watery redness of his blue eyes evident even in the low light of the bedroom.

_I made him cry. I fucking made him cry. _

The thought broke my heart clean in two, each piece decaying more as I pictured his face when I'd yelled at him. He looked scared.

_What the fuck is wrong with you Cullen!? _

I fist my hands my hands in my hair and pull, attempting I guess to punish myself for being such a moron. Why the fuck couldn't I just man up and tell him how I felt? That when I look at him I don't see anything else? That when I think about him I can't help but smile, no matter how shit of day I'm having? How hard would be to admit to him that when he smiles that wide, dimpled grin of his, it warms me right to my soul? That the sound of his laugh is so pure and beautiful that I could go the rest of my life without hearing another sound and be perfectly content?

But I know perfectly well why I don't tell him.

Because I'm even more selfish and cowardly than I seem. I don't tell him because if he decided he didn't want to be around me as much, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle him treating me differently, regarding me in a different light. Not longer just his best friend, all of a sudden his _gay _best friend who wants to get in his pants. I don't tell him because I don't want him to act differently around me. I'm selfish enough to not want to lose the innocent touches, the accidental brushing of skin that makes me feel as I've been struck by lightening in the best possible way. The way he curls into my embrace when the demons in his head get to be too much.

I'm honest enough to admit, at least to myself, that I don't want things to change between us, purely because of how will affect me.

Selfish, but honest. I guess that's something.

I feel the pin pricks of tears forming behind my eyes as I lie on the bed staring at the ceiling. _Stupid stupid stupid. _Why did I have to yell? Of all the things I could've done, why did I have to raise my voice?

I hear the shower shut off in the next room and a few minutes later and the door opens, producing a stream of light into my mostly dark room, like a lighthouse beacon shedding light on the sinking ship of my inner consciousness. I turned my head to selfishly to behold the sight that was Jasper after a shower; damp golden curls falling over his face; a light sheen on his neck from the steamy room; and, much to my dismay, sad, bloodshot eyes.

I needed to fix this, my own feelings be damned. All that mattered to me right in that moment was to make sure he was okay. It was the least I could do.

**Just a friendly reminder guys, as much as I try to write, I am in my last ten weeks before my final exams for my senior yeah of high school *cries*, so I'm trying to be a good student and actually get **_**some **_** assignments in on time. Sigh.  
So updates may be slightly few and far between, but I will do my very very best to get chapters written and posted with some regularity. Fingers crossed.**

Reviews will make me feel guilty enough to make me write more ;) hint hint 


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys,**

**So incredibly sorry for the long wait, but between school stress and dealing with my relationship going splitsville, I haven't really found the time and/or motivation to write. **

**But with that being said, I do hope this chapter makes up for it a tiny bit, even if it is slightly on the shorter side. **

**You know the drill, I don't own Twilight, and if you think I do, did or will, bless your stupid little heart. **

**Chapter Eight**

**JPOV**

"Hey Edward?"

"Yeah, Jazz?"

I was determined to get to the bottom of Edward's moodiness. He'd been acting out of character all day - being distracted, getting pissed at everyone over nothing - it was really unlike him. He was usually such a happy and open person, rivaled only in joviality by Emmett. So for him to be so closed off and stressed looking was frankly freaking me out. I wondered if maybe something had happened that he hadn't told me about, though I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't have come to me about whatever it was.

Fuck, what if it was me? Had I done something to piss him off or hurt him? I wracked my brain surveying the events of the last week when Edward begun to really shut off from me, but I couldn't think of anything out of the ordinary. I guess I could only ask and hope he would let me back in.

"What was up with you today? It's not really like you to be so, I dunno, stressed looking." I said with slight hesitation. He sighed, rather than responding. I didn't want to push him, but I sensed I was going to have to in this instance. I paused our game and gave him my best cut-the-crap look, "Seriously Ed, talk to me."

"It's nothing, I was just tired and frustrated with my history paper," he was looking visibly guarded, a look that was definitely out of place on his face.

"Then let me help you with it, you know I'm good at history," He un-paused the game, but I paid it no mind, this was important and I was going to get to the bottom of it, even if it meant playing along with what I knew was a lie.

"It's okay, I figured it out." It was clear he was trying to end the conversation, but I ignored his less-then-subtle hint.

"Ed, c'mon, it's me. If there's something going on in that crazy head of yours, you can talk to me about it." I tried to give him my best reassuring smile, but something changed in his features. It wasn't an expression I was used to seeing, especially not on his face.

Pure anger.

"No, Jasper, I can't okay. I can't fucking talk to you, of all people. I wish I could, but I can't. To be honest, it's making it worst just talking about talking to you. This is just one thing I can't tell you okay? That just the way it is." His voice rose to well above normal speaking levels to the point where he was yelling.

He was yelling at me. I sat there and stared wide-eyed before not just his words, but the emotion on his face sunk in. I couldn't help but feel fear stirring deep inside me. I knew logically that this was Edward, he would never hurt me, but that look… that look of rage painted on his features reminded me too much of what used to come after speaking out of turn.

I dropped my eyes to my hands and apologized, hoping I could end this now before it escalated further. "E-edward, I… I'm sorry, I'm really sorry…"

"No, fuck! Jasper, I didn't mean it like that- I meant, fuck- I didn't-" He fumbled for an explanation, but I didn't need one. I had over stepped my bounds by pushing him.

"It's okay, I-I get it, you don't need me to deal with whatever's going on, I was just tryna help. I-I'm just gonna go take a shower." I hated the fact that I started fucking stuttering. I was useless when it came to confrontation, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears on the spot. As it was I could feel the telltale pin pricks behind my eyes, so I made my way to Edward's adjoining bathroom and closed the door, effectively running away from my problems, yet again.

Resting my back against the door, I slid down until my ass hit the cold tiled floor and buried my head in my hands. God, I was so stupid. Why the fuck couldn't I just have a normal reaction? I could've yelled back, I could've played it off and let him explain – but no, I had to run away and cry like a little girl. Fuck.

After regaining control of my breath that was threatening to run away without me, I dragged myself up to look in the mirror that hung frameless on the wall over the sink. My eyes were already red and my face was flushed. It was probably just as well I had used the shower an escape, because hot water to wash away this monumental fuck up was exactly what I needed. Stripping off today's clothes I dumped them in Edward's hamper, knowing they would join the pile of my stuff that I left here and continually forgot to retrieve. Esme always joked that they were going to have to add extra closet space to Edward's room to accommodate for the amount of laundry I left here.

Edward's shower was enclosed with pristine glass that tied in with the exterior of the house, which took up one of the corners of the room. I stepped in and turned on the large square showerhead, leaving the wall mounted jets off. After taking the time to wash myself, I stood still under the water, caught up in feeling the small droplets fall over my exposed skin, imagining for a minute that I was stuck in a rainstorm. I watched as the dots of water jumped off my skin and fell in rivulets down the glass, creating intricate patterns upon the pane. I traced the trails of water at shoulder height and relished in the thought that, despite what had just happened, I felt calm. There was no incessant string of thoughts running through my head and I closed my eyes to enjoy the peace. I'm not sure how many minutes passed before I realised why the constant worry and restlessness was gone.

Vanilla.

The scent had permeated my nostrils since I stepped into the room, and I had only just realised why it had such a calming affect on me. It was his shampoo. Ever since I met Edward he had always used the same vanilla scented shampoo, and had ended up perpetually smelling of it. Every hug or comforting gesture he had ever given me had been laced with the same scent that I now smelled. A small smile crept over my face at the thought of how such a simple thing could have such an effect on me.

After shutting off the water I stepped out onto the bath mat and grabbed a white cotton towel from the rack and dried myself off, thankful to Edward's mum that she had had the fore-thought to put a pair of my old sweats, boxers and one of Edward's old band t-shirts on the counter. I don't know when she'd done it, but that woman was like Supermum with that sort of thing. Slipping into the clean clothes, I gave myself a once over in the mirror, mentally preparing myself for the possibility of more hostility from Edward.

When I opened the door to his room he was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The dark room was broken only by the light from the bathroom and the tv screen still showing Edward's failure at a game we'd both completed over again. He turned to look at me, a few strands of auburn hair falling over his forehead. I couldn't quite read the look in his eyes, but they didn't look angry – they looked sad and conflicted.

I decided the best course of action would be to let him initiate conversation as I walked over to lie beside him on the bed. He returned to staring at the ceiling and let out an audible sigh. I didn't understand what could be bothering him so much that it would cause him to shut off to me. It occurred to me that this was probably how Edward felt when I put up walls and shut him out, as I was so prone to doing. I was trying to work on that, with Edward not only being my rock, but my role model. I aspired to be just a fraction as open and confident as him.

"I'm really sorry Jasper." He shattered the silence as well as my thoughts. I took a deep breath, finding the calming vanilla scent in the boy and the sheets, and asked the first question that was on my mind.

"Have I done something?" My voice was small, but I was proud that I spoke without it shaking or stuttering.

"No, fuck no. You haven't done anything, okay? Don't blame my temper on yourself." He spoke without taking his eyes off the ceiling, his voice sounded more like the one I was used to. He didn't sound angry, he just sounded like Edward, and I was glad for that.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"

"You'll die if you don't shut up." I could hear the smile in his voice and it made me chuckle. I was glad things had returned to being easy so quickly. I wasn't naïve enough to think that whatever he was dealing with was gone, but I felt slightly more confident that maybe if I gave it time, he would open back up to me.

Sitting up on the bed and crossing my legs under me, I said, "wanna put that to the test?" picking up my controller I motioned at the screen as Edward sat up with me at the end of the bed and smiled.

"You're on."

"Jazz? Jasper? Jasper, are you okay?"

Edward's urgent whisper broke me out of my sleep and back into consciousness. The room was still dark, so I didn't know what was so important that I had to be woken up. I let my eyes adjust to see Edward propped up on one elbow look at me with worry in his eyes.

"Wha? What's wrong?" I glanced at the illuminated alarm clock on his bedside table. _2:16am. _It was way too early to be awake.

"Jazz, you were crying? I thought you might've been having a nightmare, you don't remember?" His voice was laced with confusion.

Crying?

Fuck, he's right. Sitting up on the bed, I wiped my hands over my face only to find wet trails running down one side of my face having collected in a wet spot on the pillow. Why was I crying?

"Are you okay?" Edward's hand found my shoulder in the dark and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"I, um, yeah I guess. I don't know why I was crying. It wasn't a nightmare, well, not one of the usual ones…" I could tell easily that it wasn't one of the nightmares about my dad, they always left me with a certain sense of fear and dread, whether I remembered the specifics of the dream or not. I hugged my knees to my chest, trying to remember what had caused me to cry in my sleep.

"I dunno, I just woke up and heard you. Are you sure you're all right? You look kinda like you've seen a ghost…"

Squeezing my eyes closed, I rested my forehead against my knees as flashes of my dream played behind my eyes. It definitely wasn't one of my usually nightmares. It was worst.

"Jazz? Shit, what's wrong?" I kept my head down; eyes closed and pretended like the tears hadn't started flowing again. I felt the bed give as Edward shifted to sit beside me, offering the familiar comfort of his arms. "Shh, love, it's okay, I'm here, everything will be okay."

_Love. _

He was breaking out the big guns now. Edward's reserved terms of endearment like that how those closest to him. I'd only ever heard him use love when comforting Alice and I a handful of times.

"Jazz, come with me." I felt rather than saw him pulling me by the hand off the bed and towards the door. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to rid my face of these goddamn tears. I didn't ask where we were going, sated just to follow behind him, my hand still warmly in his grasp.

Edward led me in silence through the house, our path illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the massive glass panes that made up the exterior walls. The house was quiet apart from the sound of our footfalls upon the carpeted stairs as we ascended them. It was when we reached the top floor of the Cullen's expansive house that I realised where I was being taken.

Esme had allowed Edward to have free reign of the upstairs study, meaning of course that he had begged and begged to have it fitted with a grand piano, identical to the one that sat in the living room, save for the piles upon piles of sheet music that he had accumulated over the years. As I said, the Cullen's had money to spare.

The moonlight shone through the glass walls, and from this height I could see through the tops of the surrounding trees and into the illuminated forest.

"Sit." I did as I was told, taking a place on the long bench in front of the piano. Edward took his seat next to me, pulling his boxer-clad self closer to the jet-black wood and stretched his hands out to ghost over the keys.

The minute he began to play, fingers gently caressing each note as the ebony and ivory seemingly glowed under the moon's illumination, I felt as though there were no safer place on the planet. The opening bar perfectly melded into the next, and soon Edward began to sing, his smooth, rich voice seldom heard by others, filled the room shutting out the world, leaving only the two of us.

_Be still and know that I'm with you, _

_Be still and know that I am here._

_Be still and know that I'm with you,_

_Be still, be still, and know. _

I smiled as I recognized the song to be one of my favorites, a fact I didn't even know Edward knew. His voice and the gentle piano accompaniment mixed so well together, I was having a hard time remembering where I was. This felt like a dream.

_When darkness comes upon you_

_And covers you with fear and shame,_

_Be still and know that I'm with you,_

_And I will say your name. _

Memories of the dream that had been playing through my unconscious mind before Edward had woken me flittered back into my vision. Edward had been hurt. I didn't see how, all I saw was the blood. So much blood.

_If terror falls upon your bed,_

_And sleep no longer comes,_

_Remember all the words I said,_

_Be still, be still and know._

He had been lying in my arms, the world around us draining on colour, bar the crimson that soaked into everything, staining the world around us. One second was holding on to him for dear-life, and the next I was being dragged away by force I couldn't see, no matter how hard I tried.

_And when you go through the valley, _

_And the shadow comes down from the hill,_

_If morning never come to be,_

_Be still, be still, be still. _

There were invisible arms pulling my away from him when he needing me. I tried to fight, but the more I struggled the further away Edward seemed to be. I tried to scream, to cry out, anything to let him know that I wouldn't it take me, that I would be there for him, but no sound would pierce the walls of my consciousness.

_If you forget the way to go,_

_And lose where you came from,_

_If know one is standing beside you,_

_Be still and know I am. _

He had needed me. He needed me and I'd let him down. Just like out here in the real world, I couldn't manage to be there for my friend when he was in trouble – there was always something stopping it, some fucked up part of me that couldn't keep his sanity in check long enough to be a decent friend. I didn't deserve him.

_Be still and know that I'm with you, _

_Be still and know I am. _

**That song is Be Still be The Fray, and I highly recommend giving it a listen, as I think it perfectly sums up Edward's feelings towards Jasper. **

**Now if only Jay could stop feeling so inadequate, we might get somewhere. We are getting close though! *throws confetti***

**Again, can't guarantee a quick update, but I'll do my best. Let me know what you thought of the chapter and the song choice. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

I'm back! A lot faster than I thought I would be, to be honest. Okay, so this is officially the longest chapter so far, and should leave you with a nice little (big) cliffhanger that you should all hate me for.

**TRIGGER WARNING! **This chapter contains fairly graphic details of self-half, so if you don't think you can handle that, please please don't push yourself to read it. If you like, you can skip straight to Edward's point of view at the end. I can't promise it will make total sense, but it should be doable.

Thanks for putting up with my long update times, for those of you that are still with me, it means a great deal. And lots and lots of love for those you continue to review favourite and follow, those emails honestly make my day.

I don't own Twilight. Simple. Done.

**Chapter Nine**

**JPOV**

_Two days after_

I shouldn't be doing this. I promised.

Yet here I was, down on my hands and knees attempting to reach the object of my desire out from under my bed. God it's dusty under there. Why the hell did I put it so far back?

To be honest, these past two days haven't been the greatest. More or less the exact opposite actually. Despite being back to taking my medication when I was supposed to, the mood swings and that black feeling in the back of my mind are worst than ever.

So far I've managed to avoid Edward since I left his house on Saturday morning, claiming I had something important to do at home. I didn't, but he'd believed me enough to let me go. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, just that the more distance between us, the better. For his sake, anyway.

"Got you, you little fucker."

I raised my head in a small victory. I don't know why I'd thought it was a good idea to put it under my bed in the first place. I guess some part of me hoped I wouldn't need it again, but as usual, I was wrong. Sitting on my bed with my legs crossed under me, I looked at the little blue box in my lap. It was pretty non descript, fairly light and only about the size of my palm, but the contents felt to me as if they weighed the world. Breathing in deep I removed the lid, only to be confronted with a torn piece of paper scrawled with my own familiar cursive. _Don't do what you're about to do. You promised. _

Fuck off, past-me. I don't need a guilt trip from myself.

Screwing up the paper in frustration, I threw it in the general direction of the trashcan. Underneath, the gleaming metal of what I sort after was winking from inside the box. I picked up the blade in its impeccable condition and turned it between my fingers, the familiarity of the situation playing on my mind.

I hadn't resorted to this in almost a year, and part of me knew how weak I was being for caving now. But the relief was too much to resist, I needed to feel the sting in order to have something I could really _feel_, to be able to pin point exactly where I was hurting, rather than having the pain inside constantly swirling with no definite location. I needed some part of me that I felt I could control. With the constant medication and my family hovering over me, making sure I was kept in check, I needed one thing I could control for myself.

I needed this.

Tossing the blade back, I took the whole box to the bathroom and locked the door. I hurriedly stripped off and inspected my marred skin. It may seem crazy – to add only more scars to an already marked canvas, but then again, maybe I am crazy. At least these scars are my own doing, my own choice. I control them. Or maybe they control me, I'm not entirely sure.

Stepping into the shower I let the water run too hot for a moment before adjusting it, feeling the burn run over my skin. I had planned to take a shower first, but the temptation of the blue box sitting on the bathroom bench was too much and I could no longer think straight. The razorblade was out of the box and in my hand before I realised that I had shut off the water. Sitting down on the wet floor, I looked at the skin of my left hip, just above where my jeans would normally rest. I was never one to cut anywhere where one might risk someone seeing it. I didn't do this to draw attention to myself, I did this for me, and people finding out would only get in the way of things. Two-inch long white scars littered my hip, spread out over a space about the size of my hand. Taking a shuddering breath, I reached down and pressed the blade to my skin with just enough pressure that when I drew the metal back, it ignited a line of crimson against the white of my hip. The too familiar sting flowed through my system as I drew another line, cross-hatching against the pattern of the old scars.

This is weak. I am weak.

A year and a half ago, Rosalie had been visiting Emmett and I, when I had stupidly forgotten to lock the door of my bedroom. She had walked in and found me sitting on the floor, blade in hand and blood blooming from my side. At first, she didn't say anything. She just stared, as if mentally willing away what she was seeing. She continued to stare in silence as I pressed my hand against my hip to staunch the bleeding, and I watched as the tears filled her eyes. She had looked so much like Mama when she cried that it cut me deeper than I ever dared to go myself. I remember wanting so badly for her to scream, to yell, to have a reaction that was typical of my baby sister, but there was nothing. She had turned on her heel and walked into the bathroom, returning a minute later with a handful of toilet paper. Still silent, she crouched down next to me and pulled my hand away, replacing it quickly with the tissue and applying pressure. Rosalie seemed to crumble next to me; the only strength left in her body was the hand pressed against my side. Her head fell to rest on my shoulder, the space between us silent enough that I could hear her trying her hardest not to cry. After a few minutes she composed herself enough to drag me to bathroom and clean off the already drying blood. Neither of us said a word until we were lying side by side on my bed, staring at the ceiling. "_Promise me you'll stop. Please, even if it isn't right away. Just promise me you will."_

It had taken almost six months of on and off relapses, but I had eventually gathered the strength to make right on my promise to my sister. Until now, that is. Just thinking about the look in her eyes when she had seen me, like she was the one to blame, it killed me.

I knew at some level both my sister and my mother harbored feelings of guilt over what my dad had done, as if somehow it was their fault he had become a monster. Rosalie blamed herself for not seeing it, partially because she spent a lot of her free time at Uncle Garret's, but mostly because I knew how to hide it from her. Mama blamed herself because she felt that somehow it was her that had put me in that position, for marrying him, for going away for work so often, and for not knowing. Neither of them were justified in their guilt, and I hated that they felt it. Worst still though was Emmett. I knew he felt that he should have been there to stop it.

The only person to blame though is myself. I was the weak one. I was the one that didn't tell anybody. I was the one who didn't fight back.

I could see rather than feel the tears dripping from my face, mixing with the blood-tinged water on the shower floor. By now, about a dozen fresh crimson cuts adorned the top of my hipbone, their trails making their way down my leg.

I can't do this anymore. The cuts weren't helping, I felt the sting, but not enough to distract me, and they only served to remind me of the fact that I had broken a promise. Pulling myself up from the shower floor, making the red trails run patterns down the length of my leg, I stepped out of the shower and walked over the mirror.

Pathetic. Useless. Broken.

I absolutely despised the kid staring back at me. He deserved everything that had happened to him. It was his fault, and he deserved to have died on that basement floor, instead of being found in time to be taken to hospital. Ugly hatred bored back at me from the mirror, the bloodshot, dark ringed eyes of a person too filthy to ever be clean.

Grabbing a towel, I quickly dried myself, wiping away the blood that had now mostly stopped flowing. I walked back into my room, blue box in hand and threw back under my bed, certain I would only be fishing it back out within the week. After getting dressed in the first clothes I could find, not caring in the slightest that my hip would probably stain them, I stood in the middle of my room, uncertain of what to do. I wanted to break down and cry again, but that would accomplish nothing and would only make me feel like shit. I wanted to call Edward, purely so I could hear him tell me everything would be okay, though I knew I wouldn't believe it. I didn't need to drag him into this though; he'd been through enough of my shit lately. Instead, I let the anger at myself bubble up inside me until it reached a boiling point, and I struck out against the nearest surface; my bedroom wall. Numbing pain ran immediately from my knuckles up through my arm as my fist broke through the drywall. I screamed, not in pain, but in rage, and thanked god that Emmett wasn't home right now. The last thing I needed was him to come check on me.

Without bothering to inspect the damage I had no doubt done to my hand, I walked over to my desk drawer where I kept my assortment of prescription medication, and for a heartbeat let myself consider gulping down every single one. I wouldn't go that far, at least not tonight. My hand was beginning to throb, making it difficult to open the childproof lid on the bottle of sleeping pills that I reserved for nights where I desperately craved a full nights sleep. Finally managing with the bottle, I shook out two pills and dry swallowed them. I screwed the lid back and shut the draw before I became too tempted to swallow a few more. I collapsed on my bed, my body suddenly feeling as though it was made of lead. My limbs, marred hip and swollen hand, stayed where they had fallen as I relinquished my consciousness in favor of a sweet black nothing.

"Jasper? Why aren't you at school?"

I gave a groan in response to Emmett's question as I tried to ignore him and go back to sleep. I wasn't sure of what the time was, but at this point I didn't see the appeal of getting out of bed.

"Jasper, c'mon wake up!"

Ugh, apparently wishing for him to go away wasn't going to work. Sitting up in my bed I went to run my through my hair, only to have an excruciating amount of pain shoot down my arm. I could feel the involuntary tears sting in my eyes as I looked at my hand. My knuckles had ballooned over night and were now an angry purple colour. Great.

"What happened to your hand?" Emmett looked at me in confusion as I pointed sheepishly, with my non-potentially broken hand to the fist-sized hole in the wall. "What the fuck happened to my wall?!" He leaped up from his position sitting on the edge of my bed to inspect the hole.

"Glad to know you're more concerned about the wall than you're brother, Em." I joked with a strained voice. It really did hurt.

"Shuddup, you put a hole in my fucking wall! You deserve a broken hand!" After gauging the damage of the wall, Emmett turned to me clutching my hand in pain and said, "We should probably get you to the hospital, huh?"

"You're brilliant."

"So why did you break my house?"

We were sat in the Forks hospital waiting room, that even for a small town on a Monday morning seemed to be relatively busy. Half an hour ago when we arrived a nurse had handed me a clipboard and told me to fill in my details and wait to be seen. Because I was currently incapacitated, Emmett had been assigned the task of filling out the forms, on which he wrote 'cause of injury: tried to break his brother's wall.'

"Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"You're fixing that, ya'know."

Just at that moment, none other but Carlisle Cullen walked into the waiting room, calling my name with an amused look on his face. He turned and led Emmett and I through to a bed in the emergency room, where he pulled a curtain around to create some semblance of privacy in the bustling ward.

"So Jasper, what did you do now?" Suffice to say that this wasn't the first, or even second time Carlisle has treated me, though most injuries didn't require an actual trip to the ER, with Carlisle tending to me at his house. I was pretty accident prone, a fact that Edward found hilarious, more than once laughing when I tripped over something before helping me up.

"I, uh, punched the wall."

"And why did you do that?" Carlisle looked to be finding this far too funny as he looked at my swollen hand.

"Dunno. I was angry, I guess."

"Right, of course. Here I was thinking you punched a wall in happiness. I'm going to have to order some x-rays to see if you've broken anything, but my guess is a small fracture at the worst." After writing a few notes on a chart, Carlisle called a nurse over to administer a mild painkiller, before leaving to check on other patients.

"Jay, what's going on?" Emmett asked after the makeshift room had been vacated.

"What do you mean?"

"With you. Punching walls."

"Oh, that. I'm really sorry Em, seriously I will fix it." The painkillers were starting to kick in, and my head was getting a little fuzzy.

"Christ Jay, I don't give a fuck the wall." Emmett sounded exasperated, "I wanna know what mad you so angry that you punched the wall in the first place? Did something happen? Did you and Eddie have fight? Did Rosie say something?"

"No, it's nothing like that, I swear I'm fine, I just got a little, angry. I don't even remember why, honestly. I'm fine. I promise." It was starting to get troubling how much I was lying to people that I cared about lately. Emmett lent back against the wall at the head of the bed and crossed his arms. He didn't look convinced at all, but didn't say anything more.

A nurse returned about fifteen minutes later, taking me to the radiology department to get x-rays, leaving Emmett in the waiting room. I was made to straighten my hand on the table in order to get a clear image, which even with the painkillers I'd been given, hurt like a bitch. After a total of about ten minutes, I was being led back down to a separate patient waiting, to wait for Carlisle.

**EPOV**

"So Edward, do you know what happened to Jasper today?" My attention snapped up from pushing the peas around my plate, not at the mention of my name, but at Jasper's.

"What do you mean what happened?" I hadn't seen or spoken to Jasper since he left my house in a rush on Saturday morning, though it wasn't from lack of trying on my behalf. I had tried calling him three times over the weekend and had sent him an embarrassing number of texts. I hadn't gotten any replies, and his phone just rang out. Between his radio silence and not being at school today, coupled with dad's question, I was starting to freak out a little.

"Well he was at the hospital?" He said through a mouth full of mashed potato, as if it was no big deal.

"Hospital?!" Okay, now I was really starting to freak out. That must have been why he hadn't been answering me. God, what if something had happened, was he sick?

"You didn't know?"

"No! All I knew is that he wasn't at school; I haven't spoken to him since he was here. Why was he in hospital?"

"Oh, I thought you've would've known. He and Emmett came into the emergency room this morning because Jasper thought he'd broken his hand."

Broken his hand? What the fuck? Why would he not have told me that?

"What happened?"

"Apparently he punched the wall of his bedroom."

"Oh wow, why?" My mother piped up from the opposite end of the table.

"I don't know, that 's why I thought Edward might know. He just said he was angry. By the looks of his hand, I'm guessing that it happened last night." Dad replied, a hint of his 'doctor voice' that he used with patients crept into the end of his sentence.

"Is he okay?" Mum asked, concern clearly evident in her voice.

"Yeah, we x-rayed his hand and he'll be fine. It's not broken, just very, very bruised-"

"-May I be excused?" I barely waited for my mother's confused nod before leaving the table and running to my room, taking the stairs two at a time.

When I got to my room, I flung the covers off my bed in a frustrated attempt to find my phone that was lying between them somewhere. The thud of it hitting the carpet made me leap across my bed to pick it up, hoping that maybe I had just missed his call. Clicking the screen to life I felt my heart deflate slightly when I saw that I didn't have any missed notifications. Maybe he was just asleep, that was a possibility right? It didn't necessarily mean he was purposely ignoring me, right?

Taking a deep breath I didn't know I needed, I dialed Jasper's number and waited. On the first ring, I was hopeful. The second, I was nervous. On the third, I tried my best to think that maybe he was just away from his phone. One the fifth, and then sixth, I had given up. I waited a breath longer before ending the call. If he wasn't going to answer, then I was going to go find out for myself what was going on.

Throwing on a hoodie, I ran back down stairs and went to grab my keys from the hook next to the door, when my mum called me back.

"Where are you going, it's dark out?" She questioned for the kitchen doorway, soap bubbles drying on her hands from the dishes.

"I was just gonna go over to Jasper's, I wont be long, I promise, I just want to see if he's okay."

"Your father said he was fine Edward, I'm sure you can wait until tomorrow." She put her hands on her hips and gave me her patented Mum look.

"Mum, please… He wont answer my calls-"

"-He's probably asleep, Edward."

"He hasn't spoken to me since Saturday, Mum. I'm just really worried…" My voice got slightly smaller, and her face softened. She wiped her hands and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm sure everything is fine, but I understand if you need to see that for yourself. Be back by eleven, and drive safe." He kissed my forehead before returning to the kitchen.

I pulled out of the garage and took off towards Jasper's house, all the while considering the all too likely possibility that he may not let me in. Was it because I'd yelled at him? Fuck, of course it would be, that wasn't just going to be swept under the rug.

The roads were dark, only illuminated by the stream from my headlights, the forest running from ground to sky along side me, and my thoughts running circles in my mind. Before I knew it, I was crying, the road in front of me started to blur. I continued to drive, wiping my eyes on the back on my hand, determined to make it to jasper's as fast as possible.

As I followed the bend in the road, my phone flashed from the center console beside me. Though I knew I shouldn't, I picked it up to look at the screen. It was a message from Jasper. The tears that had stopped at this point started again, at the thought that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he didn't hate me. Maybe I hadn't fucked things up so badly they couldn't be fixed. Maybe I hadn't lost my best friend.

I went to open the message, far to anxious to see whether it was an explanation or he telling me never to speak to him again. I must have taken my eyes from the road for a second too long, because when I looked up all I could see was the flash of another car's headlights. My reactions kicked in and I swerved out off the oncoming cars way. Everything happened so fast that I barely had time to register the tires losing grip on the road and sending the car into a side toward the nearing forest edge. I tired to pull back, to take back what I had done and regain control of the car, but it was too far gone. I couldn't stop it.

I heard rather than saw the driver's side hit the trees at the edge of the road. The crunching of metal on wood was so loud, that if I survived this, would be permanently imprinted into my brain. The impact threw me hard against the seatbelts constraint, two forces pulling me in different directions, the car crumbling in towards me. My head was slammed against the window, and I felt the world around me start to fade. All that was left was the glow of the headlights and the pain that was all consuming, until there was nothing at all.


	10. Chapter 10

Okay, here's chapter ten! Double digits!

This chapter was originally going to be longer and cover a little more, at the moment I'm currently using this as a way to procrastinate and avoid writing two 2000 word research assignments, and as much as I really _really _don't want to do them, I kinda have to. So I've decided to post what I have now, rather than make the update time that much longer (still sorry).

Also, I realised after I posted the last chapter that the little * * * I put in as a page break didn't post for some reason, so apologies for anyone that got confused when the scenes suddenly changes. From now on I'm going to use '~ bfoso ~' as a scene break, so hopefully that should work.

Thanks still to all those who continue to follow and favourite, especially those who takw the time to write a review, they are what inspire me to keep writing!

Still don't own Twilight, surprise surprise.

**Chapter Ten **

**JPOV **

"Jasper, get up and get dressed. We have to go."

I was jolted out of sleep by Emmett shaking my shoulder. The urgency in his voice told me not to argue and do as he said. I had no idea what was going on, but the clock on my bedside table read just after one in the morning, and anything that called for being woken up after one couldn't be good. After throwing on a hoodie, not bothering with a t-shirt, I slipped on my shoes and went downstairs.

Emmett was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, running his hands through his hair; he jumped when I came down the stairs. The look on his face was impossible to read, somewhere between fear and shock.

"Em, what's going on? You're freaking me out."

"I'll explain on the way, we have to go." He barely glanced back at me before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

I deftly followed him, locking the front door on the way out and making my back over to Emmett's jeep, the headlights of the car cutting slivers through the darkness in front of me. As we pulled out of the drive, I chanced a look at Emmett's face, only just visible in the low light, and wondered if the feeling of dread settling in the pit of my stomach was justified, or if my anxiety was just getting the best of me. I got my answer a few minutes later when my sleep-clouded brain realised what direction we were headed in.

Towards Forks Hospital.

"Emmett, what's going on? Is someone h-hurt?" My voice wavered at the question, not entirely sure that I wanted an answer.

Without taking his eyes from the road, Emmett replied in a voice so quiet, that had I not been straining for an answer, I wouldn't have heard. "It's Edward. He was in an accident."

At that moment it felt as if all the air had been ripped from my body at once, leaving me staring blankly at the road ahead. I had heard wrong, I had to have heard wrong. My mind instantly remembered the message to Edward that had gone unanswered before I had gone to bed. It was unlike him not to reply, though I had chalked it up to the fact that I had ignored him, and now he was getting his own back. That's all this was, right?

As we pulled into a parking spot at the entrance to Forks General, my stomach felt like lead. With neither of us saying a word, Emmett and I stepped out of the car and into the night air, which suddenly felt about 100 degrees colder. A shiver ran up my spine, and I wrapped my arms around my chest, mindful of my bruised hand.

Unlike when I had been in the emergency room, the lobby of the hospital was empty save for a man mopping on one side of the room. I hung back as Emmett spoke to a lady behind the reception desk, not wanting to hear him say the reason we were here. This was just a lucid nightmare, induced by my recent anxiety, that's all. After a minute, Emmett gestured for me to follow him as he stepped into the elevator. My stomach lurched as we made our ascent, frustratingly having to stop at the second floor to let on a nurse. The bubbly blonde smiled at me as she got on, but I made no effort to return the sentiment.

We reached our floor and I stepped out after Emmett, leaving the smiling nurse picking at her bright pink nail polish. I followed in silence as a determined Emmett strode down the hallways, seeking I'm not sure what. Our destination became clear when we entered a waiting room, empty but for a man with his wife clinging to his side. Carlisle looked up at our entrance, and smiled without even a trace of it reaching his eyes. He looked exhausted. Esme didn't move from her place pressed against her husband.

Carlisle and Emmett exchanged knowing glances, before he squeezed his arm around his wife once and pulled away to stand. "Thank you so much for coming."

His voice sounded all kinds of wrong. He sounded and looked like half the man he usually did, with a small voice and lines etched into his normally young looking face, aging him beyond his years.

"Is there anything you need? No offence, but you look exhausted. I can go get coffee or something?" Emmett offered, speaking uncharacteristically softly, as though the room itself would shatter if he were louder. Esme nodded deftly as Carlisle gave Emmett their coffee requests. Soon it was just Edward's parents sitting on the waiting room chairs, and me, standing in the middle of the room, unsure of what I should do.

"Jasper, honey, come sit." Esme spoke for the first time since we arrived, gesturing to the chairs beside her. I took a seat and picked and the bandage on my hand, wanting so badly to scream at someone to tell me what was going on.

"Jasper, what did Emmett tell you?" Esme's voice was soft and sounded as if she'd been crying. Glancing at her bloodshot eyes, I confirmed the theory.

"He didn't tell me anything, just that Edward, h-he was in an accident…?" I lowed my eyes to the floor and sent out a silent prayer, hoping I would wake up from all of this.

"Yeah, honey, he was…" Esme cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. "He's in surgery right now."

"Surgery?"

"Yeah, the crash was pretty bad." Esme shifted in her seat to face me, all the while holding Carlisle's hand. She opened her mouth to speak, but decided at the last minute not to. Carlisle took over speaking when Esme became to choked up to continue.

"We're not entirely sure of the extent of his injuries yet, just that he was brought in and taken straight to the ER. The cops came to our door just after midnight and said that there'd found his car on the side of the road. From what they could tell he lost control of the car and hit a tree. Most of the drivers side was caved in." Carlisle's voice was taking on a tone that Edward usually referred to as his 'doctor voice', where it became more mechanical than human.

"Is he gonna be okay?"

"We really don't know. We're waiting for him to come out of surgery."

Emmett returned sometime later with coffee for each of us. I lost track of how long we waited in the near silent waiting room, but it was probably at least two hours before a surgeon wearing green scrubs walked in through the double doors on the opposite side of the room. Carlisle looked up expectantly in his direction, and I held my breath.

"Doctor Cullen, your son is out of surgery, and is recovering in a room upstairs. At this point, it looks like he's going to be fine, but he'll need a lot of rest and he'll probably be out of action for a little while. He really was lucky to survive that severe of an impact with only a few broken ribs and a laceration to the head." I think we all collectively let out a breath at his words. "However, his spleen was ruptured on impact, and had to be removed."

"He'll be alright without a spleen right?" Esme voiced the concern I was thinking.

"He will be, it just means that he may be more susceptible to infection later in life. Because of that, we want to keep him in here to avoid risk of major infection for about two weeks."

"When can we see him?" Carlisle asked, the relief in his voice evident.

"You should be able to go up there now if you like." Carlisle thanked the surgeon as he left the room. The four of us sat perfectly still for a heartbeat, before I took the lead and stood up. I couldn't just sit here; I needed to see for me own eyes that Edward was okay.

Once I broke the stillness of the room, Carlisle and Esme stood and walked hand-in-hand down the hall towards the elevators, gesturing for Emmett and I to follow. We stepped into the elevator, the four of us occupying most of the space, none of us saying a word as we ascended further up through the building. Carlisle lead the way to a nurses station to find out what room we were looking for, and soon we stood in front of room 116.

Carlisle and Esme pushed through the door and I was about to follow, when a hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Jay, you should give them a minute. He's their son." As much as wanted to argue, and demand that he let me go in there, I knew he was right, I did need to give Edward's parents time to be with their son.

Emmett and I sat on the floor outside Edward's room, ignoring the stares of nurses and doctors as they walked by. All I need right now was to be with Edward, and this was as close as I could get at the moment, so I'll be damned if I was going to move.

"You okay, Jay?" Emmett broke me out of the staring match I was having with a paint chip on the wall of the other side of the hallway.

"Yeah."

"That's convincing." Emmett had the astounding ability to appear completely calm in situations where other people were losing their shit. I envied it sometimes. I was about to tell him to shut up when Carlisle emerged from the door and looked around, before noticing our place on the floor.

"You guys can go in, we have some paperwork to take care of downstairs." It was as if Carlisle had aged backwards in the time he was in the room, no longer looking like the anguished man he was in the waiting room. Esme emerged from the room a second later wiping her eyes. The two of them continued down the hallway, hand-in-hand, leaving Emmett and I alone at the door.

As soon as I walked into the room, my heart clenched. Edward lay unconscious on the bed, covered in white sheets, with various tubes running in all directions. He looked so still that I had to watch his chest for the rise and fall to make myself believe he was breathing. I stood at the side of the bed and finally let myself feel all the emotions I had kept back since I had been woken up. I was aware of Emmett standing behind me, but not enough that I cared if he saw the tears that slipped down my cheek. I took Edward's hand in mine and relished in the familiar warmth it radiated. Behind me, Emmett muttered something about finding something to eat, before squeezing my shoulder and leaving me alone with Edward.

As soon as Emmett left, the tears began to fall faster. It didn't matter that the doctor had said that Edward would be fine – he was hurt, and that made the pain in my chest ten times worst. I sat down in the chair next to his bed, never letting go of my best friend's hand, and really looked at him for the first time since entering the room. His wayward copper hair was pushed to one side to make room for a large white bandage, and I vaguely recalled the laceration the surgeon made mentioned. Some part of me hoped it didn't affect his hairline. It was a stupid thought, given the circumstance, but Edward had always been pedantic about his hair. A noticeable bruise was beginning to show from under the bandage and down across his eyebrow, giving him a black eye and causing me to wonder just how hard he had hit his head.

Looking at the evidence of his injuries was starting to make me feel sick, so I lent forward against the bed and rested my head next to his arm. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the warmth of his hand in mine, rather than the feel of the starched sheets on my face. I need to calm down, getting worked up and freaking out right now wasn't going to help anything. I focused on matching my breathing, which was bordering on getting out of my control, to the beep of Edward's heart monitor, three beeps in, three beeps out. I kept up that rhythm until it felt natural.

~ bfoso ~

I must have fallen asleep leaning on Edward's bed at some point, because I was woken up by a Carlisle entering the room, dressed in his hospital attire.

"Morning Jasper." He says, an amused smiled hinted on his face.

"Wait, morning?" I sat up, ignoring the cramp in my neck from falling asleep in such an awkward position, and looked out the window on the other side of the small room. The early morning sun indicated that I had obviously been asleep for a while.

"You fell asleep there last night, and Emmett didn't want to disturb you again. Plus, we needed someone to stay here with Edward while I went home to change for my shift. I convinced Esme to go home and get some rest before she picked Alice up from my sister's house. Emmett left to get ready for work a little while ago, he left his car for you and took a taxi."

I rubbed my neck as Carlisle inspected the various machines Edward was hooked up to, before writing notes on clipboard.

"Carlisle?"

"Yes?"

"Why was Edward out driving so late? He usually hates driving at night, normally he gets me to." That was a question that had been bugging me for a while now.

"He, um, he was on his way to your house. He said he was worried because you weren't answering your phone." Carlisle seemed reluctant to give up the information, and now I could see why. It was my fault his son was in hospital.

"Oh god… I- I'm so sorry… this is all my fault." The sick feeling was beginning to rise in my stomach again, and I felt like this time I would actually throw up.

"Jasper, don't be ridiculous. None of this is anyone's fault."

"But he was driving to _my_ house. Because _I_ was too stupid and selfish to answer the phone…"

"Jasper," he says, walking around to my side of the bed and sitting carefully on the edge, mindful not to move his sleeping son, "Edward could've just as easily been on his way anywhere else, just because he was going to your house doesn't make this your fault. Okay?" He tone is matter-of-fact, and I try to listen, although I don't quite believe him.

"Okay."

"One more thing – are you alright Jasper?" Carlisle's voice becomes that of a concerned parent once again.

"Yeah, as long as he's okay, I'll be fine-"

"No, no, I don't mean because of what happened last night. I mean in general. Because punching walls and not answering phone calls tends to suggest that you're not okay? You know that Esme and I care about you, and you can talk to either of us if you need to." Carlisle gives me the kind of soft and reassuring look Mama would probably give me, were she here. It makes me feel guilty in a whole new way.

"Yeah, I do. I'm fine, really Carlisle, I am. A-and thank you, for everything."

"Okay," he places a hand on my shoulder and nods, "I have to finish my rounds, but you're welcome to stay as long as you like, I've told the nurses that you're with me. If you need anything, go to the nurses station down the hall and ask for Clara, she should be able to find me."

I nod in understanding, as he hangs the clipboard back on the end of the bed. Carlisle leans over Edward and lightly kisses the un-bandaged side of his forehead, before leaving the room, leaving me alone once again with Edward.

Despite his father's reassuring words, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt over the reason Edward was on the road last night. Leaning back against the bed, I rest my forehead against my folded arms, taking a deep breath. Sometimes I wish that I had parents like Edwards. It's a shameful thought, one that I try hard to not to think too often when I witness the love and devotion that is evident between the Cullen's and their children. Even Alice, who was treated like a princess, yet somehow managed to not grow up into a brat. Most of me knew that my mother loved me, as I did her, but sometimes part of me felt like I was missing something. I was from a broken home, nothing could change that, I guess.

Still, sometimes it's nice to imagine I was part of Edward's family.

"Fuck, Edward, I'm so sorry…" my words fell on deaf ears, as the tears began down my cheeks, yet again.


End file.
